Doppelganger Week on Facebook

Published February 2, 2010 rants , the internet 8 Comments
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Nice try, guys. For a second there I thought I had hundreds of good-looking friends! Then, sadly, I realized that instead everyone on my newsfeed has brilliantly substituted their usual duckface profile pic for a celebrity.

For those who haven’t noticed, the new Facebook fad is to change your profile to a celebrity you think looks like you.

Helen Keller and Ray Charles on Look-Alike Week

Helen Keller and Ray Charles on Look-Alike Week

News flash, Helen Keller: every single person that has an attractive celebrity as their profile picture doesn’t in the least bit resemble them. Oh wait… I have noticed that people have been sticking pretty true to skin tone and gender.

Wake up and smell the roses – none of you are special. If you were special and looked remotely like any celebrities, you’d probably be one and have your own pictures with more doctoring than Joan Rivers. Since you’re spending your time reading this blog and changing your profile picture according to the latest trend, I’ll have to assume you are just a moron.

NV/R,

Maria

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Even a Saving Roll Can’t Save You from Jail

Published January 26, 2010 news 4 Comments
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Much to the chagrin of a certain homocidal maniac, it turns out that Wisconsin prisons both can and will ban prisoners from playing Dungeons & Dragons. Oh yeah, they’re pulling out the big guns.

Dungeons & Dragons has the honor of being the first game to capitalize on people being so desperate to pretend to be anyone but themselves that they’ll sit around a piece of paper and roll die for hours, hoping to get a saving roll. Sadly, nothing can save them from the misery of their daily lives.

Kevin Singer had been a “devoted” player of D&D since childhood (not a warning sign at all). The contents of his cell consisted of dozens of D&D magazines, books, a 96-page manuscript written in crayon and feces detailing the “epic prison bust-out quest”, and a 12 pack of Mountain Dew.

The prison told Singer that he couldn’t keep his elaborate wishing-for-a-better-life materials because it

promotes fantasy role playing, competitive hostility, violence, addictive escape behaviors, and possible gambling

In other words: People hate homocidal maniacs, but they hate D&D players more.

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NV/R,

Margo

I Hate Rhapsody Commercials

Published January 23, 2010 rants 1 Comment
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Not a day goes by without me seeing one of those godawful Rhapsody commercials. First it was the retarded bubble…

Then the [insert douchebag band here] fans get it…

The latest campaign is so mind-numbing that the new commercials are borderline offensive to watch. I know the mass public is stupid (thank you Men In Black), but give them a little credit Rhapsody advertising team! You are not the first people to think of listening to a song as it matches your mood or situation. Moreover, they decided to pair shitty songs with uninteresting situations. The hipster bike rider was bad enough… until we met stoner corner store patron:

Every moment has the perfect song? No shit, Sherlock. How about we give Geico a call and lease the cavemen… at least they listen to Röyksopp instead of Vampire Weekend. Even Flo from Progressive is less irritating than 51 references to Green Day, which is really saying something.

NV/R,

Maria

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You Have No Game #1

Published January 22, 2010 rants 1 Comment
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Does it bother you that guys throw around the words “I’ve got game” like they hunted it down and shot it with a man-rifle? Every (self-proclaimed) “slick” guy out there is an immature, insecure douchebag. Believe me when I say that lines are for tools.

It occurs to me that there are a million things the typical douchy 20-something guy does that makes me want to vomit.  I am going to start a series called “You Have No Game,” dedicated to all the self-proclaimed players who aren’t half as great catches as they seem to think.

Line #1 is one of the most overused lines of douchebag history: “You always get what you want, don’t you?” Apparently not, because I want a guy who isn’t a complete schmuck and it turns out that you are one!

The frustrating thing about this line is that it’s partially intended as a compliment, as if to say that you’re a strong woman who is in control. Since anyone who’s not in control of their life at least somewhat by age 20 is about as useful as Heidi Montag, don’t get too excited when someone says you’re in control. I mean, congratulations… you’re a human being, I hope you enjoy your opposable thumbs.

If the best compliment you can give me is saying that I have motor function and don’t drool when I talk, keep walking.

NV/R,

Maria

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Guido Dictionary: Heated

Published January 21, 2010 MTV , television 1 Comment
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Most of the words that come out of Mike aka THE SITUATION and Snooki’s mouths are foreign to anyone with non-orange skin. Since the Jersey Shore is not going away anytime soon (please God let there be a second season), I’ve taken it upon myself to teach you all Guidobonics. For example, guidobonics (n) – the language all orange, juiced up guidos speak.

However, the purpose of this article is to explain the word “heated,” which is used about 7289 times in episode 5. For example, Vinnie (more or less) said “we were all heated when Snooki got punched in the face.”

What does that mean, though? The temperature was high? They were catching the flu? No, heated is in fact the most complex word in all of Guidobonics.

Heated (n) – being heated essentially means that you don’t have the balls to do anything about the situation besides yell across the parking lot to someone already detained by the cops. More importantly, heated implies that you will hit every single wall, garage, curb, mailbox, and trashcan for the following hour. So, when the Jersey Shore guys say they were heated when Snooki got punched, it means they watched her get punched and pretended to have her back after the cops had already got the guy that punched her. Bravo!

[edit:] Apparently when Ronnie gets heated, he actually beats the shit out of some 30 year old. From this moment on, when I say “the Jersey Shore boys” I mean everyone but Ronnie, who is actually a man. [/edit]

NV/R,

Maria

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Snooki Is AMAZING

Published January 20, 2010 MTV , television 4 Comments
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Snooki is probably one of the best things that has ever happened to reality television, specifically to MTV. I’m not sure why I feel the need to prove this to you people, but consider it an early Christmas present.

1. Snooki invented the freaking poof

This is serious. Snooki revolutionized hair while you were wetting the bed and watching Teletubbies. Not only does Snooki overcome being a legal midget by adding 8″ of hair to her height, she inspired the world’s most important product of the 21st century – THE BUMP-IT.

2. Snooki got punched in the face by a “frat guy” (actually, a gym teacher)

I have never in my life enjoyed watching the slow motion replay on youtube videos like Scarlet Takes a Tumble. Having said that, when I first watched the video of Snooki being punched, I nearly peed myself of mirth and excitement. [insert PC line of violence towards women here]. I immediately replayed it five times until I revealed somewhat sad information. Not only was Mike aka THE SITUATION standing right there, so was (the only hot guy on the Jersey Shore) Vinnie. What did they do? Nothing. Regardless, here’s the video:

3. Snooki would make a great receptionist/meteorologist

Episode 1 of the Jersey Shore immediately revealed to us how incredibly talented Snooki is at answering a phone (duck or otherwise).More importantly, Snooki extended her 15 minutes of fame by guest starring on… the local weather report? Amazingly enough, Snooki seems right at home in front of the camera and does an incredible job telling us about the temperature, precipitation, and other big words.

On a side note, it turns out Snooki is no stranger to MTV. In fact, wonderful little Nicole was on the hit TV show Is She Really Dating Him! Her episode was called “The Jerz Pud” and was referred to as “a really hot girl.” And since her boyfriend Justin is just as much a tan midget as Snooki, she looks like even more of an oompa loompa.

Rumors have been spreading about Snooki’s upcoming personal reality dating show, Snooking For Love. Well done MTV!

NV/R,

Maria

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Real World DC Episode 3

Published January 20, 2010 MTV , television 2 Comments
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The focus of this thrilling(?) episode of the Real World DC revolves around Ty and Emily’s stunning sexual tension. Ty is a moderately attractive guy, and Emily is an unattractive girl who thinks that she’s a total daredevil because she punches guys who can’t hit her back because she’s a girl.

23 seasons of this crap, people. THIS IS YOUR DOING.

Ty is extremely self-righteous, but on the other hand, Emily spits on him and then says it was “not a sign of disrespect”. Uhhh… is that like how Hitler really loves Jews? On the other hand, Ty clearly has NO self respect because he follows Emily around like a needy little puppy, even though Emily is not that hot. C’mon, Ty. Then the rest of the house doesn’t help by telling Emily how badly she “broke his heart”. Jesus Christ people, let’s inflate her ego just a little more so that the house lifts off the ground and we can pretend we’re watching Up instead.

"What the hell is this shit?"

Then of course, Emily wants to discuss it more in the morning. It’s like she’s an attention whore or something, but she’s way too much of a tomboy for that!

Sadly the conversation moves to Callie and how Ty doesn’t think that she’s skinny enough to be a Playboy bunny. That’s a pretty bitchy thing to say, but my sympathy is limited since the next 20 minutes are Callie saying “Oh I’m so hurt; I won’t tell you what he said.” Callie, if you were bigger than a size 2 MTV would never let you on the show. Problem solved.

It’s Erika to the rescue! She and her purple hair tell off Ty for causing the epidemic of anorexia and beautification in young girls. Ty actually gives Callie a pretty nice apology and tells her that he just feels the need to cut his friends back down to size sometimes. If only he’d do that to Emily.

"My hair dye to the rescue!"

Sadly, the girls just rip him to shreds for being insecure. Oookay. Then they go back to the fascinating weight issue. Thank god that’s never been covered on reality TV before.

Then it’s off to “life celebrating” yoga! And the yoga teacher who tells them that their body will never ever fail them – tell that to my broken tailbone. Of course, the tribal drums lead to a huge body breakthrough for Callie, who loves herself and her positive body image and yadda yadda yadda. In addition, if I never heard the phrase “shake what your momma gave you” again, I could die happy.

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NV/R,

Margo

Teen Mom

Published January 20, 2010 MTV , television 2 Comments
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Despite the snazzy new name change, Teen Mom is offering us up the same pain and suffering it was last season – and believe me, we’re taking it all in.

Farrah has been getting mad at her mom and sister for calling her a bad mom, yet refuses to get up in the morning to feed her own baby. Then she yells at her mom for coming into her room in the morning to take care of her kid. Excellent parenting and daughtering in one go! Only Farrah could do it this well.  She also insists on staying on birth control, which wouldn’t really be an issue except she insists on going out with friends constantly and bitching whenever she can’t. It’s like she’s a single teen mom!

Maci, who is (much to our relief) actually a good mother, is having issues with Ryan. You remember Ryan – basically having a kid was an excuse for him to get a giant tattoo of the word “Bentley”.  Ryan’s an on-and-off dickwad, but he seems to sort of pull it together when Maci moves out and begs her to come back. Ooooh, but then he manages to pull it back together and accuses her of dropping all her classes because she’s “lazy as ****”. This from the guy who can’t seem to get a job, regardless of Maci taking care of his child 24/7.

Catelynn and Tyler are having issues because their parents suck. Following them has basically zero to do with their baby, but it’s okay because they’re suffering anyway. Catelynn’s mom moves away with Tyler’s dad, and Catelynn wants to stay behind to be with Tyler. That works out okay because Catlelynn’s mom doesn’t even care that her daughter isn’t coming; but then Tyler decides to join the Air Force. Bad timing. But then Catelynn and Tyler have an adorable conversation about staying together while he’s in the Air Force, and once again they become the most likeable couple.

Watching Amber is like watching your mom bitch at you for not cleaning your room/walking the dog/putting your feet on the table… for 20 minutes straight.

Despite not having either a job of any sort or attempting to get an education, Amber whines 24/7 about how stressed she is and how much Gary sucks as a human being, even though is obviously the second coming of Mother Theresa for putting up with Amber. In spite of not having any money, Amber continues to book hotel rooms and try to find a house. Oh wait, my tax dollars are going to pay for her to get an apartment?! Fantastic. As for her unfortunate child, you watch it wander off constantly and just hold your breath, hoping she’s not going to fall through a window.

Two of the couples on the last season (wisely) decided not to exploit their children expose their lives on the air.  I salute those braves souls, and can only say that we hope there will be a third season.

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NV/R,

Margo

Philosophy of a Useful Major

Published November 21, 2009 rants 3 Comments
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Anyone who’s ever had to sit through the suicide-inducing hour that is a philosophy class knows that it’s not the philosophers that make it bullet-in-brain-worthy, it’s the students. There are 4 different types of philosophy students:

1. Me.

I make solid arguments about how whether we exist only in our minds or “truly” exist doesn’t matter, given that we’re stuck in this stupid class either way and regardless of our beliefs on the matter, will not be able to will ourselves to fly if we fall off a cliff (but I encourage any philosophy majors to try). Then I stare at the clock and make gun motions at my throat while type 2, 3, and 4 argue with me.

I think, therefore I eat.

2. The savvy stoner

He had an epiphany while he was coked out once, and he’s willing and eager to share. It’s funny how the trees look so… so not put together when you’re upside down (aka, all the coke has affected his spatial recognition). SS doesn’t really have a point to make, but he’s eager to light up and really understand the world.

3. The guy with the point

This person has a specific point in mind, but he’s not quite sure what it is. He says “well you see” and “the thing is” a lot, but he doesn’t really go anywhere. It’s like a flow chart that only leads to those two phrases. What the guy with the point is sure about, though, is that he’s one smart – WATCH YOUR MOUTH.

4. The person who doesn’t get it

The guy who doesn’t get it is the worst of the lot, because he’s the reason that you end up staying 10 minutes late every class as opposed to getting out 20 minutes early when you run out of material. He feels the need to pose “insightful” questions to the class, such as: “But… are we REALLY here?” and then looks around nodding with his eyebrows raised. He doesn’t know the difference between Nietzsche using reason and anybody else using reason (see: none), but he’s going to ask as many questions as it takes to ruin your life.

NV/R,

Margo

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Pedophiles For Siennas 2009

Published November 21, 2009 rants 2 Comments
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Over the past few months I’ve seen an alarming increase in those family bumper stickers with one little cartoony person for the mom, the dad, all five kids and the puppy. Sometimes they’ve got Mickey Mouse ears or their names underneath but it boils down to one obvious objection I feel anyone with a BS* could see: YOU ARE PROVOKING PEDOPHILES AND RAPISTS TO ATTACK YOUR CHILDREN.

Grade A parenting there – the back of your car has every kid’s name, their schools and every sports team they’ve ever eaten orange slices at halftime with. You might as well add a signed field trip permission forms to the Catholic Boat.

The Catholic Boaaat, time to get some hot Christian action!

Congratulations Mom of the Year. Your Sienna is nothing short of a free peek into  your children’s… itineraries and an invitation into their orifices.

NV/R,

Maria

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*At this point, I feel you should all fully recognize how utterly worthless anyone with a humanities major is. You should never ever allow your child to be exposed to one or your 8 year old will be complaining about nihilism with about the same philosophical understanding that a senior philosophy major possesses (i.e. none).

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