A Relationship Is Not A Tennis Match (And Other Obnoxious Sports Metaphors)

Published November 10, 2011 rants 4 Comments

I am so sick of hearing “the ball’s in their court” during suspenseful fallouts on reality TV shows. I’m sure people say this in real life but I’ve cut the fat (i.e. mindless douches) from my life. What does that even mean? It’s their turn to remedy the situation? No. It means that you’re trying to prove a point and act like you’re above the argument. If you are saying something that brain dead you do not deserve a relationship. I recommend public execution without trial.

Other obnoxious sports metaphors include:

  1. Leveling the playing field
  2. Keeping your eye on the ball
  3. Send in the heavy hitters
  4. Take one for the team
  5. Sprint to the finish
  6. Touchdown

Americans get off on using unnecessary sports metaphors in the workplace to try and exclude non-native speakers who likely do not know these idioms. Why do old white men have to say “you knocked it out of the park” instead of “good job”? Is it possibly because they feel disappointed in their careers and are trying to relive the glory days when their high school baseball team won regionals? Maybe it does have to do with making the workplace a male-dominated arena, but I guess that’s another sports metaphor.

NV/R,

Maria

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How To Be A Complete And Utter Disappointment

Published June 24, 2011 rants 2 Comments
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There are many things that people with worthless degrees have these days, including a piece of paper, a false sense of entitlement, and a million excuses why they are unemployed. The most important of these is Peter Pan Syndrome.

Peter Pan Syndrome is marked by a complete unwillingness to grow up. Growing up includes things like understanding the value of money, using big boy words, and wiping your own ass (none of which, of course, are required coursework for an psychology degree). It is absolutely crucial that you sucker your parents into financing your critical existence and shopping sprees at Urban Outfitters. If possible, don’t get a job (worst case scenario only work part time). If you make any money, then by no means are you to pay your parents rent. That would be ludicrous. There are far more important things to spend your money on. Hell, buy yourself a new car. If that’s not fiscal responsibility then I don’t know what is.

Be persistent, you can never have enough degrees. Student loans are mere figments of your imagination. Blame your lack of a career on something or someone that is for all intents and purposes intangible to you, like the President. That way, you can ensure that he will not render your moronic arguments null and void by actually responding to them. Do this in public in front of your parents so that they can sit there uncomfortably thinking about what a waste of money you have turned out to be.

Most importantly, treat people that have actually made something of themselves since college like sellouts. They must be miserable if they work in an office and make more than $15 an hour. Keep telling yourself that to reaffirm your existence as the grand douchewizard, because God knows that nothing else can.

NV/R,

Maria

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How To Raise The Spawn Of Satan

Published June 17, 2011 rants 7 Comments
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It seems I cannot live my life without being accosted by little spawns of Satan and their brain dead parents running into me and interrupting my extremely important life. Somehow amidst all of the politically correct bullshit surrounding American society, it became unacceptable to beat misbehaving children or expect them to learn things in school. Result: millions of little brats running around like Helen Keller in the mall.

Of course these dumb little shitlets get away with murder by their hippy parents that put them in schools to learn conflict resolution and other absurdities that 7 year olds clearly need formal training on. They may be in the 25th percentile on standardized tests, but their private school education really boosts their self-esteem you guys.

What’s more obnoxious is when their douchewizard parents give you the I’m-A-Useless-Member-Of-Society shrug as if to say “what can you do” and you’re just supposed to chuckle and say something stupid like “kids will be kids.” No. Kids will be monsters if you don’t beat them. It’s your little cockroach menaces that grow up and become art history majors and raise more little turds. Use a condom.

NV/R,

Maria

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Ringtones Should Be A Privilege

Published June 8, 2011 rants 3 Comments
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There are many things I hate listening to in this world, specifically when I am in public. Three particularly heinous things come to mind: laughter, teenagers, and ringtones.

It’s unreal how mind-bogglingly stupid human beings are and it continues to perplex me that all of these morons can somehow afford smartphones. They either pick the most obnoxious standard ringtones (marimba, alarm, digital, and strum for iphones and that droid ringtone) or they pick one of those overplayed songs that makes you want to club baby seals and is guaranteed to get played at seedy bars in Texas and frat parties.

However, this pales in comparison on the I-will-destroy-you scale with the fact that apparently the simplicity of how a cellphone works is completely lost on every asshole with an iPhone. This is how a cellphone should be used:

In reality there are two things morons with iPhones do when their phone is ringing:

  1. Stare at their phone like it’s a golden turd for at least three rings and miraculously remember that they have to press a button for the witch magic of a phone call to unfold.
  2. Look at who is calling, make an obnoxious face so that everyone around them realizes that they are far to important/cool/interesting to be answering this call and just put their phone down. Without doing anything. So that the rest of us have to hear their ringtone for another thirty seconds while they smugly sit there with a shit-eating grin.

NV/R,

Maria

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Things That Rub Me The Wrong Way #3

Published June 7, 2011 rants 5 Comments
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  1. The sounds people make when they are eating yogurt. What is it about yogurt that makes people eat like rabid hyenas? God forbid you leave a trace of Activia on the walls of the cup and your bowel movements are not regulated to perfection. It is absolutely vital that you scrape those walls for a minimum of five minutes, especially if you are within earshot of anybody else. It’s only fair to give them warning of your imminent trip to the toilet.
  2. People that act like eating “ethnic” food makes them cultured. Women must be throwing their panties at you with your worldliness! You, like Indiana Jones, must be well-traveled to be such a connoisseur of Indian spices and bubble tea. Like anyone worth living, you pooh-pooh “fake” cuisines like Taco Bell and Chipotle. You make pretentious comments about how the local Chinese takeout place tastes nothing like real Chinese food. You are truly a god among men.
  3. When someone introduces you to a band, you like the band, and then they act like you should be paying them royalties. Somewhere between doing that pretentious flicking motion on my iPod Touch and singing along to Nirvana , I must have forgotten that you are, in fact, Kurt Cobain. Hipsters practically piss themselves with joy when they get to be this mind-bogglingly pretentious. Let’s face it, they knew Daft Punk and The Postal Service way before the rest of you sheep (i.e. after MTV exhausted them but before they were in cellphone and car commercials).
  4. When you cannot say that someone looks just like a black celebrity because that would be racist although if you said it about a non-black celebrity everybody would agree. I really can’t stand this one, especially since I have heard people of every race say “every (insert race here) person looks the same” about every other race. It’s not my fault that some people have an uncanny resemblance to Barack Obama and I’m hardly reliving American History X by pointing it out.
  5. When you use a word with more than one syllable and some asshole sarcastically says “nice SAT word” like you should be ashamed for speaking fluent English. First, it’s ridiculous how stupid peasants assert their jealousy by trying to make people feel bad about being smart or well-off. Fuck off pleb. Second, people always say this to me about the least pretentious words possible like “conundrum” or “vexing” as if I’m speaking a second language. Even if you don’t know the word, you can pretty much always guess with context so you shouldn’t embarrass yourself by admitting that you struggled with it. Nonetheless, I appreciate your safety school vocabulary because, let’s face it, we need waitresses just as much as we need scientists.

NV/R,

Maria

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So It Goes And How To Be A Hipster

Published June 4, 2011 rants 5 Comments
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So you want to be a hipster? Just follow these simple rules:

  1. Whatever proclaims itself as edgy or nonsensical is a big deal. Say hello to Vampire Weekend and Neon Green Trees, your entertainment for tonight. If you don’t understand a book you read (Slaughterhouse Five? So it goes), it’s the best thing you’ve ever laid eyes upon. It’s not like authors are supposed to communicate their message or anything.
  2. “Retro” shows from all the way back in the dark ages known as the 90s are now your lifeblood. If you don’t like Batman you are probably Satan. And if you don’t like Transformers (even though it’s likely you’re about 15 years too young to remember it) then you can kiss your huge glasses goodbye.
  3. Video games are only good if you can shoehorn philosophy in there. Buy Portal 2 immediately; pretend you played Portal 1. But if you are a girl, you MUST play video games because that way you can bring it up in conversation every three seconds to show everyone how original you are.
  4. Conventionally funny things like Scrubs and Jersey Shore are so common. If you must watch them, do so in the dark shame of your basement, frantically flipping the channel back to Monty Python every time you hear a noise.
  5. Rule #5 is so obscure you’re probably never heard of it.

NV/R,

Margo

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How To Slut Out At Outdoor Festivals

Published May 22, 2011 fashion , music , rants 5 Comments
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God knows that 18-30 year old females are simply not afforded enough opportunities to act like complete sluts in socially acceptable situations (after all, Halloween only comes once a year). Solution: outdoor festivals.

Yesterday I saw Weezer, Seether, and Papa Roach at Chili Cookoff in Washington, DC (a yearly outdoor festival with somewhat mediocre bands which feels more like a block party at the trailer park than a concert). Pre-pubescent me was super excited to sing Last Resort and Hash Pipe like it was 2001 again. However, adult me couldn’t concentrate on anything other than how scantily clad every other girl at the festival was (with the exception of being fascinated that Rivers Cuomo is still alive… and that people crowd surf to Weezer).

I am only posting this picture to make Weezer fans (all ten of them) jealous of how close I was to Rivers Cuomo! #winning

Rule #1: Show Every Tattoo and Piercing You Have

I cannot begin to stress the importance of this rule, especially for girls with lower back tattoos. Nothing says “I’m Available and So Are My STDs” like a misspelled quote about life and a pierced bellybutton.

Rule #2: Expose All of Your Cellulite by Any Means Necessary

It’s a well-known fact that in the scorching sun, your cellulite glistens and actually slims your figure. As such, you’d really be doing a disservice to yourself if you covered up anything more than legally necessary.

Rule #3: Accessorize… With Beer

Since it’s pretty much guaranteed that your face is even more frightening than your body, you want to draw as much attention to your cleavage (courtesy of Victoria’s Secret) and muffin top as possible. There is no better way to do this other than to pour light beer on yourself.

Rule #4: You Must Not Apply Sunscreen, Red Is The New Bronze

Step aside Pumpkin Queen, orange is so 2010. 2011 is all about the lobster look, especially paired with pasty white tan lines.

Bottom Line – Crowd Surf (Especially if You are Fat and/or in a Bikini)

When you’re listening to hardcore bands like Weezer you’d be remiss not to crowd surf – go big or go home! Make sure your top is about to come off and you weigh at least 200 lbs because we’re all desperate to catch a glimpse (and cop a feel) of Shamu. Rivers Cuomo was cryogenically frozen and dethawed just to see your tatas in the air while reliving his circa 2000 musical career.

NV/R,

Maria

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Burger King Capitalizes On Your Idiocy

Published May 8, 2011 commercials , food , television 5 Comments
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Are you hungry? Are you a complete idiot? Boy, does Burger King have a deal for you! Now for limited time only, you can buy three “budget-conscious multi-level BK Stackers”: BK Single Stacker ($1), Double Stacker ($2) and Triple Stacker ($3).

BK Stacker Math > Theory of Relativity

Holy schnitzel what a deal! Why the hell would I even think about buying two Single Stackers when for the same amount of money I can get a Double Stacker with half as much bacon, cheese, and buns? Don’t waste time thinking about these deals when The King supplies the logic for you commoners!

Screw this, I’m going to McDonalds.

NV/R,

Maria

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Things That Rub Me The Wrong Way #2

Published August 6, 2010 rants 5 Comments
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  1. People who talk about the movie Inception. Are you really so void of personality and thought that the only conversation you are capable is about the ending of Inception? It’s funny how everyone always says how “mind-bending” it is. Good thing you checked IMDB and Netflix to figure out how you would describe this movie in ten cent words before you embarrassed yourself in public using adjectives like “cool.” God forbid.
  2. People who describe a sports team’s action in the first-person plural. I’m sorry, I had no idea you were the pitcher for the Red Sox. Oh wait… it’s because you’re not a professional athlete and have wasted an absurd amount of time keeping abreast on whatever mind-numbingly obnoxious sports rivalry affects your locale. I don’t care if it’s your high school team, your college team, or your local team. You’re (most probably) not on it so stop saying “we” like I should be congratulating you on last night’s game.
  3. People who leave me stupid voicemails. “Uhhhh yeah so I’m calling you but you didn’t pick up. Call me back when you get this.” What part of that inane message couldn’t I have inferred from a missed call? Thank you for making me waste my time pausing my music or television. Now I will never be able to retrieve that minute of my life.
  4. People who talk loud. Wow I didn’t realize you were in a different state as me! I could have sworn we were in the same room having a civilized conversation. I mean, these people give whole new meaning to the concept of an inside voice. I suggest you consider a career as a tour guide or something equally useless, because that seems to be the only thing you and your vocal chords are good for. But let me know if you become one because I’ll be sure to take your tour next time I want to kill myself.
  5. People who use their phone to calculate tips. Honestly I cannot even begin to describe how much this angers me. If you can’t move a decimal over and multiply by two, then how do you have the mental capacity to order food, eat it, and open your wallet? You’re embarrassing yourself. If you can’t handle calculating a tip, don’t eat out. Go get your GED (or even a kindergarten diploma, because that should suffice for this minute task) and then reenter civilized society.

NV/R,

Maria

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Things That Rub Me The Wrong Way

Published July 18, 2010 fashion , music , rants , the internet 10 Comments
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  1. People that wear sneakers with skinny jeans. This goes double for people who wear Chucks with skinny jeans. It makes you look like a chicken with clown feet. If the Jonas brothers and Miley Cyrus look stupid in it airbrushed, you can be sure that you look like a complete moron too.
  2. People with political bumper stickers on their car during an election, after an election, and years after an election. I just want to start by saying that a bumper sticker cannot possibly change someone’s opinion on voting. Neat, you voted for Obama. Since that happened, I’ve lived in two countries and a midget Pumpkin Queen has become one of the biggest celebrities. Move on with your life. I assume that McCain supporters that leave their stickers up do so out of a mixture of spite and don’t-blame-me sentiments. Again, move on with your life.
  3. Train – Hey, Soul Sister. This is the most aggravating song of the 21st century. Vocalizing “hey,” “la,” or “oh” does not constitute lyricism and shouldn’t be rewarded as such. I know this is supposed to be a feel good song but I actually want to club baby seals when I hear it. All of you sheep can thank yourselves for letting a band as worthless as Train continue a career that has lasted about a century longer than it should have.
  4. Girls who wear colored eyeshadow. I say girls because you cannot have passed the Woman of America that Matter (WAM) bar exam while even considering to commit such a heinous crime. There’s really no right answer to colored eyeshadow besides “no.” The notion of matching your Forever 21 outfit to your eyeshadow is so nauseating that it makes me rethink going out in public to avoid the risk of seeing whatever Urban Decay shade has taken over your face.
  5. People who regularly communicate with their immediate family on Facebook. Do you guys seriously hate each other so much that you limit your communication to something as detached as Facebook? God forbid you have an actual relationship with the woman that birthed you. It’s 2010… there are these things called cell phones that help you speak to your loved ones. Better yet, we’ve just moved from the horse and buggy to automobiles so you can even see them more than once a year! Communicating in a place as public as Facebook is more for girls to make each other jealous, not to prove what a messed up relationship you have with your parents.

NV/R,

Maria

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