Archive for the 'rants' Category



My Thoughts On Tattoos

After watching an entire season of LA Ink on Netflix, I have developed some strong opinions on tattoos. I usually don’t waste my time telling the masses this, but take my criticisms/personal opinions with a grain of salt. I have personally been attacked for my own decisions and witnessed people be chewed out over their own piercings or tattoos. While it is exceedingly annoying to listen to ignorant people put in their 2 cents like I could give a rat’s ass, it’s their right to disagree with how you’ve chosen to mutilate (and yes, piercings and tattoos are mutilations) your body.

In my (not so) humble opinion, if you hate someone’s tattoos or piercings, don’t tell them. They will not respect your opinion, especially once they’ve already gone under the needle. You will only alienate them and remind them why they don’t like close-minded, pushy people. Instead, you should

  1. talk about them behind their back to your friends
  2. not get a similar tattoo or piercing
  3. write a passive-aggressive entry about it on your blog that has reached over 100,000 people in less than a year

First off, let’s talk about the point of a tattoo. I can think of only two “reasons” to get a tattoo. First, because it looks cool/beautiful. Second, to remind yourself of something every single day for the rest of your life. Everything else falls under those two categories. If you don’t want permanent ink on your body to remind you of something, it’s only because you want to be cool or you think it’ll be nice to look at.

Having said this, it seems obvious to me that you can accomplish either of these two goals through jewelry or your personal style. Example #1: “I want to remind myself to have faith by tattooing it onto my wrist” (original…) is easily solved by wearing a cross necklace or another piece of jewelry that represents your faith. Example #2: “I want some stars because they’re really cool and super original.” Solution: just kill yourself. Anyone stupid enough to tattoo something as dumb as a star to their body isn’t worth the oxygen they breath. If for some reason you value your (what I’ve already demonstrated to be) worthless life and still are so obsessed with a couple of stars for aesthetic value or nostalgia for some children’s book, buy a necklace/shirt/purse/bracelet/ring/earrings/etc… Don’t worry, you’ll still look incredibly unoriginal and your personality won’t get any better, just as with the tattoo!!

Now for that classic finger-pointing you’ve all been waiting for… I actually have the pleasure misfortune of knowing a “musician” (i.e. little to no musical talent) who decided to get a treble clef and bass clef tattooed to his “bicep” (the douchiest of all douchy tattoo placements). The beautiful part about it is that despite this highly creative homage to music, he couldn’t even get into the music program of a public college… dommage!!

mozart had the exact same thing on his ribs!!!!!

I guess it just goes to show that you can tattoo the word “personality” on someone’s body but it’s not going to give them any…

NV/R,

Maria

dig us // facebook // myspace // twitter // the five one

Doppelganger Week on Facebook

Nice try, guys. For a second there I thought I had hundreds of good-looking friends! Then, sadly, I realized that instead everyone on my newsfeed has brilliantly substituted their usual duckface profile pic for a celebrity.

For those who haven’t noticed, the new Facebook fad is to change your profile to a celebrity you think looks like you.

Helen Keller and Ray Charles on Look-Alike Week

Helen Keller and Ray Charles on Look-Alike Week

News flash, Helen Keller: every single person that has an attractive celebrity as their profile picture doesn’t in the least bit resemble them. Oh wait… I have noticed that people have been sticking pretty true to skin tone and gender.

Wake up and smell the roses – none of you are special. If you were special and looked remotely like any celebrities, you’d probably be one and have your own pictures with more doctoring than Joan Rivers. Since you’re spending your time reading this blog and changing your profile picture according to the latest trend, I’ll have to assume you are just a moron.

NV/R,

Maria

dig us // facebook // myspace // twitter // the five one

Why Giving Blood Sucks

Thankfully I am not the same blood type as anyone in my family… as such I feel no moral obligation to give up my blood if they should ever be running low. The only time I am coerced into enduring this torture is when I go in for my yearly checkup. Let’s pause and really think this one through, shall we? I am nearly 21 years old, which means that I have consciously allowed a perfect stranger to stick a needle into my arm and drain me of my life like a dementor for well over a decade.

Step 1. Find out I need to give blood: Panic Ensues

I turn into a menopausal woman about this time, biting off everyone’s heads like a T-Rex. Remorse? None. If I have to suffer, so does everyone around me. I begin to feel alone in the world and fall into the first stages of suicidal depression. This is a very big deal.

Step 2. Fast for 12 Hours

Jesus Christ are you kidding me? On top of the fact that I have anxiety about getting my blood drawn and anticipate almost fainting and feeling sick for hours afterward, I have to starve myself. Do you know what it’s like to watch people eat and not be able to have anything? Yes well, you must be a vegetarian. The lack of french fries in my belly only heightens my irritability, punishing all those around me.

FUCK YOU MOSQUITOS

FUCK YOU MOSQUITOS

Step 3. Go to the Doctor’s Office

Is there a reason the temperature is comparative only to Antarctica in my doctor’s office? Not sure if it’s like this for the rest of you, but this also makes me more agitated because I’m sitting there in anticipation of getting the lethal injection and now I’m shivering and cannot feel my toes. Also, why are they playing JLo? Can I get some soothing rain forest sounds, please?

Step 4. Get a Monologue About How it’s “Not So Bad”

Of course they can see I am about to convulse any minute and am not gleefully anticipating being repeatedly stabbed. This is when Nurse Einstein (who has about the same amount of compassion as Ed Gein) begins to assure me that giving blood doesn’t even hurt and I’ll be fine. Oh I see, in the past 11 months they’ve developed a new way of drawing blood that doesn’t involve your grubby little paws cutting off circulation to my entire body, stabbing me, and lying to me about how much more blood you’re going to suck out of me before I faint? No? Still the same procedure? Thanks, I’m quite aware of why I hate getting my blood drawn – because it’s PAINFUL. The whole time I’m about to faint/vomit and feel like my entire body is slipping away from me.

om nom nom

om nom nom

Step 5. Leave that God Forsaken Hell Hole

Finally I can leave, but not before being instructed on how to pee (also something I have not mastered in over two decades of life). My mom is always sweet and takes me to Starbucks or some other tasty food place (remember, I’m STARVING!) I get to pretend to be a martyr and don’t have to open any doors/hold anything with my new appendage. Truthfully, my arm feels like a sack of bricks for the next few hours and it hurts to do just about anything with it. Then I get to look at this giant gauze pad soaked in blood for the day!

So, in short, does anyone have a good doctor’s office to recommend? Preferably one that gives you laughing gas before they take a pint of blood from you.

NV/R,

Maria

dig us // facebook // myspace // twitter

Starbucks Employees: Thanks A Latte Douchebag

What the hell is it with Starbucks employees asking inane questions and generally correcting your drink order? What happened to “the customer is always right?” Being that Margo is a stupid jerk, she always orders a wet breve cappucino. For those that do not understand, wet means more milk (ewwwww). Every SINGLE time, some asshole barista feels the need to make some sort of comment like… “what is breve,” or “hot?” or best yet… “why don’t you just get a latte?”

Perhaps she didn’t get a latte because she wanted a wet breve cappucino. Now SHADDUP! Speaking is a privelege that you have not earned, as evidenced by the apron you’re wearing.

Today seriously took the cake when I asked for a caramel frappuccino. Her response? “You know it’s cold, right.”

I looked at Margo for a solid 30 seconds and turned back to Galileo behind the counter. Starbucks is apparently an equal opportunity employer, if you know what I mean.

CartmanRetarded-Resized

NV/R,

Maria

dig us // facebook // myspace // twitter

Guys That Yell During “The Game”

It seriously bugs me when people scream at the television, whether it is to scream at the protagonist not to go check out the creepy noise in the basement or scream at the ref. YOU ARE NOT COOL. Guys get together like chimpanzees, competing to be louder and louder. One guy screams at Kobe, another is throwing out obscenities, the third is saying “yeah!!!” (he is not as into the game on the inside, so makes up for it with grunting loudly in agreement).

@whoskobe

You cannot be serious. How could you possibly be paying attention to the game with ten braying donkeys to your left and right? It is literally impossible for me to enjoy any televised sports competition when people are screaming any variation of “come on,” like it’ll actually affect Gilbert’s performance. I can completely understand being absorbed into a game when you’re surrounded by face-painted fans and you can hear the live organ. When you are sitting on your Ethan Allen couch enjoying some Zima? Not so much.

how 23yo frank felt when he realized there were 3 quarters left in the game to pretend to his girlfriend that he was manly and cared

how 23yo frank felt when he realized there were 3 quarters left in the game to pretend to his girlfriend that he was manly and cared

A side note: tweeting/facebooking the play by play is both obnoxious and an indicator that you are overcompensating for a small penis. It is the zero cost version of buying a sports car, huge tv, and membership to the NRA.

NV/R,

Maria

dig us // facebook // myspace // twitter

The Bumper Sticker

Alright, let’s face it. If there is one thing that should never have been invented, it is without question the bumper sticker. All bumper stickers fall into one of three categories:

  1. The Political Statement: These get the first mention of honor as they are generally the most annoying. Mostly these bumper stickers are “Peas on Earth” or “Obama 08″ stickers that are put on crookedly by college students; apparently liberal views mean a lack of motor control. Of course, the further you get out into the country, the more you will see of the other spectrum of the PBS(Political Bumper Sticker). This includes, “It’s for God to judge the terrorists; it’s for me to kill them”, and “Vegetarian is an ancient Indian word for bad hunter”. I knew there was a reason we liked them hicks.
  2. The My-Student-Doesn’t-Suck: Ugh, we all know a mom who has one of these. Basically they tell you that their kid is either an honor student (sleeping with the teacher) or on swim/dive/underwater basket weaving. They’re pointless and obnoxious because nobody gives a crap what your brilliant little darling does as long as BLD stops tailgating us.

    Well done.

    Well done.

  3. The Useless Memory: These aren’t quite as annoying as the first two, yet are even more pointless. They’re stickers from various countries or beaches that trick natives of said countries into asking about the car owner’s heritage. These stickers occasionally take the form of dog silhouettes from back when you were excited about getting little Poochy (before you realized that he’ll live over 10 years).

    Guess you had a good time in Palm Springs.

    Guess you had a good time in Palm Springs.

If you have a bumper sticker on your car, take it off. If it’s crooked… There’s just no helping you, is there?

NV/R,

Margo

dig us // facebook // myspace // twitter

« Previous Page


Breaking News

Why Is This Popular has returned, sheep everywhere breath a sigh of relief. It must have been terribly difficult to continue your quasi-hipster existence without us spoon-feeding you clever one-liners about the scum of society.



Join the magic on Facebook and Twitter!

Twitter Updates

  • 155,367 others think we're the shit.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.