People who regularly communicate with their immediate family on Facebook. Do you guys seriously hate each other so much that you limit your communication to something as detached as Facebook? God forbid you have an actual relationship with the woman that birthed you. It’s 2010… there are these things called cell phones that help you speak to your loved ones. Better yet, we’ve just moved from the horse and buggy to automobiles so you can even see them more than once a year! Communicating in a place as public as Facebook is more for girls to make each other jealous, not to prove what a messed up relationship you have with your parents.

NV/R,

Maria

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I don’t know when large tips became a necessary part of the dining experience. I was always under the impression that you receive a tip based on your service… I know, a novel idea. Instead, everyone judges you if you don’t leave 20% even though your waiter messed up your order and spilled iced tea on you. The way I see it, if you got your food and it was what you were expecting and they didn’t try to flirt with you or have any type of conversation, I’ll give 20%. If, however, they overstepped their boundary or didn’t even adequately perform their difficult duty of putting a slice of lemon in my water… NO TIP FOR YOU! For some reason, these cretins take offense to getting 27 cent tips and chase you down to tell their opinion on the matter. News flash: your opinion doesn’t matter. Get me my water and overpriced food. That is your job.

I should add, the 27 cent tip incident actually happened a few months ago. Margo and I were at dinner and had literally the worst service of our lives. On top of being about as funny as a trainwreck, the waitress felt the need to comment on everything she “got right.” This included when she brought the correct drinks to our table (a coke and water), miraculously remembering our clearly difficult order. We waited an eternity for our food and while we were still eating (I’m talking forkful of food in our mouths), she felt the need to come over and ask if we were done and wanted boxes/the check. When it came time for the tip, I wrote on the check “this is all you deserve.” She followed Margo and I into the bathroom and literally pushed Margo’s stall door open to condescendingly say “I think this is yours.” My meal became comped but poor Margo is still scarred from being walked in on.

NV/R,

Maria

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Stephenie Meyer (who apparently has just as much difficult spelling the name Stephanie as she does writing a novel) is probably tenting her fingers like Mr. Burns and plotting the demise of all human beings born after 1989. Instead of growing in adult humans, these kids are desperately trying to transform in wolves in whatever way possible. The physical transformation is obviously almost complete with a pair of goth bondage pants. To me, nothing screams Benicio del Toro the Wolfman than some black studded pants from Hot Topic. However, like the douchey vampire kids in South Park, teenage werewolves must taste blood. DOG BLOOD!

These kids don’t need encouragement from child psychologists that got their diploma from the back of a cereal box, they need a harsh dose of reality. They are not exactly “fitting in” or “finding their identity.” They are playing with dark magic! We are at risk of the Hellmouth moving from Sunnydale to San Antonio. Sarah Michelle Gellar can’t save us this time, she’s too busy raising her kid not to be a douchey teenage werewolf! Our best plan of action is to remove funding from trivial pursuits (like putting a lid on the Gulf oil gusher) and focusing government efforts on putting an end to this madness.

NV/R,

Maria

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1. The Absolute Weirdo

Whether it’s five-inch-long natural and unpainted fingernails or a boob job whose saline could cure a drought season, one of these is always there. I think the metro actually has a stock of spares that they keep in the back. This person causes an unfortunate dilemma: Don’t sit next to the person muttering to themself, or stand in three inch heels for the next 40 minutes. Want to move down a car and avoid it? Too bad, there’s one in that car too. You cannot escape them, and they will glare at you when your eyes refuse to look away.

2. The Musical Genius

I probably hate this person the most, and I am not shy about turning around repeatedly and glaring. (I am shy about doing anything once they notice, because I don’t have the energy for a beatdown at 7am.) Unfortunately, their brain trauma from the music blaring into their ears at 50 decibels means that they don’t understand that I do not care how awesome their Genius playlist is. IF I CAN HEAR YOU FROM ACROSS THE CAR, IT’S TOO LOUD. Trust me, I’m an expert (on being annoyed).

3. The Homewrecker

I don’t understand where this woman goes at 8:00 in the morning, but she’s always there. Somebody dressed up like Pamela Anderson at a porn convention always grabs the pole while we all wait for her to start dancing on it. This would be a lot less bothersome if her boobs didn’t poke me in the eye and her 8-inch heels didn’t threaten to pin my foot to the floor every time she moves.

4. The Homeless Guy Outside the Station

Invariably, there is an unshowered guy there solely to stick his hand in my face as I ride up the escalator at 8:30 in the morning. As my mother says, “You don’t know where that’s been”.

If you are one of these people, please vacate yourself from the gene pool. Better yet, vacate yourself from my line before I pull a Hot Fuzz on your ass.

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NV/R,

Margo

Instead, Kristen throws a hissy fit when she realizes that Brody is seeing other people. To be fair, Brody throws the initial temper tantrum and accuses Kristen of not being friendly to “the first girl he’s brought out,” as if he expected Kristen to lay down the red carpet and bring her flowers. Later it’s Kristen that confirms that she’s positively jealous of Mikaela and dying inside that Brody could hold hands with someone else in front of her. Why? “Friends don’t do that.”

I am Reptar, hear me roar!

I’m on Brody’s side with this one… friends do that, they introduce their latest romantic interest to their best friends! Kristen isn’t approaching the situation as Brody’s friend, but rather as his sort-of-girlfriend. Since she clearly cannot handle being friends with benefits, it looks like she’s either going to have to go back to just friends or find a way to make their relationship exclusive. What do you think?

NV/R,

Maria

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GOD BLESS AMERICA!!

Actually, what I probably should have said was that both shows really showcase the life of the insane and typically obese pageant moms and dads that are forcing their children to compete despite the strain on the parents’ budget and the little girls’ childhood. The cost of beauty pageants alone is astounding: entry fees in the hundreds of dollars, costumes in the thousands of dollars, not to mention dance coaches and pageant coaches. Most of the parents admit the tremendous financial strain of each pageant, some of which are “forced” to take second jobs and run up credit card debt. Obviously a college education is so much less important to budget for when faced with the prospect of a rhinestone cowgirl outfit to be worn on stage for 90 seconds.

"screw a mortar board, you were made for a crown"

Many of the dads object to the physical transformation necessary to compete in the pageant circuit. One Little Miss Perfect dad actually said (in front of his wife and child) that he was opposed to his 5yo daughter Lexi wearing a flipper (fake teeth) because “it makes her look like a midget prostitute.” But why stop there? Don’t the fake tan, fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake nails, makeup, and outfits also make them look like midget prostitutes? Excuse me, little people prostitutes.

NV/R,

Maria

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Ever wondered what famous people were like at 17?

Our answer? No.

NV/R,

Maria

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Heidi's Transformation into an Ugly Duckling

Regardless, Season 7 begins with about as much suspense as the plot of Titanic. Stephanie is in AA, has been in jail twice, and has a DUI! Thankfully Lo changes the subject immediately to hanging out with “the guys” (aka Frankie, who appears to be female, and Brody, who is clearly female). Whoops! We’ve hit minute two of Season 7, which means we need to mention Heidi’s 10 surgical procedures and gasp as if we haven’t been reading/hearing about it for months!

This is about when we see the highly anticipated conversation between Heidi, her mother, and her alcoholic sister Holly. The conversation is about 30 seconds longer than what was shown in the overplayed trailer and involves much of what you would expect: tears and meaningful glances from Holly.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

No need for a plot transition, MTV… let’s all party in Florida with Kristen, Audrina *yawn*, Brody, and some extras! Cue the dagger eyes from Kristen as she watches Brody flirt with Audrina (surprise, surprise). I honestly wish I could say more but this is exactly what happened and how can you expand on such little substance? You cannot. This is why we watch 8 minutes of commercials for every 22 minutes of this crap.

Heaven forbid we stray from Heidi’s face, though, because we’re back to discussing her newly acquired Skeletor mask. I actually laughed out loud when I realized Heidi couldn’t even eat food… it explains her Skeletor body to match the face!

Unlike Heidi, Kristen allegedly gets her figure by being a “crackhead” (according to good ol’ Lo). Stephanie, obviously, cannot be around such a bad influence “at this point of her life” (i.e. right after getting a DUI). The conversation gets a little boring and awkward… perfect time for another commercial break!

Can we please review? We are 23 minutes into the first episode and absolutely nothing has happened besides seeing everyone make fun of Heidi’s hideous plastic surgery and the same Kristen/Audrina drama from Season 6.

MTV devoted the last few minutes to the Kristen drug accusation. Kristen sounds like a 56 year old chain smoker to me but sounds “cracked out” to Lo, the resident crack expert. “Everybody says that you’re doing drugs,” “your legs are tiny,” and “you are wearing sunglasses.” CALL IN FATHER MERRIN FROM THE EXORCIST! SHE HAS THE DEVIL IN HER!

In fact, this whole show is quite possibly the work of the devil. Only this one season is left… but the devil never really dies, does it?

NV/R,

Maria

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True Life: I Cannot Stop Watching

Welcome to the latest episode of True Life, in which two poor plebes go to the Hamptons to try to meet rich people to sponge off of. Unfortunately they quickly realize that rich people have very little interest in anything but other rich people.

Jonny is a greasy bro whose semi-symmetrical face is his only asset in life. It gets him hired to another waitjob after his lack of anger management gets him fired from Lackey Job #1. (He was angry because he got regulated to dishwashing after arriving two hours late for work). He’s so grateful for the second job, “Elite Affairs” – dunno how elite huge star tattoos are, but okay – that he steals liquor from them!

The second girl, Brittany, is a blogger who writes about the parties of rich East Coasters. Fascinating! To make her life more interesting, she has a bitchy co-writer that she freeloads off of but complains about constantly. Oh, and Brittany is very focused on everyone being racist towards her because she’s black, even though there’s zero evidence of it in the show (and c’mon, MTV would be ALL OVER that if it happened).

In a shock to exactly nobody, at the end of the episode Jonny realizes he’s partied too much and moves in with his brother. He’s pursuing a sure-to-be-successful career in music.

Probably the crowning moment of the lameness that is these people’s lives is when Brittany fires Ashleigh by e-mail. Then she goes to an “elaborate affair” with painted-on pasties on the dancers. And then… Ashleigh shows up at the party! Oh noez! The text on the screen at the end declares them frenemies forever.

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NV/R,

Margo

Note: I will present the actors/actresses in order of talent, least talented to most talented. It is important to note that this is not a subjective decision, I am an expert.

1. Carlton Totten (apparently aka CTOTT)

Here is Tater Tot’s account. He literally updates his status every time he goes to the bathroom (i.e. OFTEN). There is only so much I can say about Carlton because I removed him from my newsfeed almost immediately after I friended him. I should also mention that Carlton hit his friend limit and immediately made himself a fan page so he could hoard more “friends.” I’d link it but honestly, does anyone care?

2. Emily Grace Sones

Emily S. has a unique Facebook profile in that she doesn’t update her page every five seconds in a pathetic attempt to prolong her 15 minutes of fame. But then… you look at her “About Me” section…

I’m Emily.
I live. I learn. I dream. I kiss, a lot. I love. I break. I hold on too long. I move on. I am a free-spirit. I never know what to say at the right moment. I try to find beauty in the most beautiful mistakes. I live in the moment. I am not always rational, and get in trouble, alot. I don’t know what I want now, but I know where I wanna be. I speak through music. I write. I lust for love. I don’t give second chances out easily, you gotta do a hell of a lot once you break my heart to fix it. I live in photos of lazy sundays and times when I don’t think I can ever leaving. I hold onto things too long for the thought they can leave. I leave to fast for things to come back. I dream slowly. I walk fast. I inspire and find inspirations in little things. I am a total and complete mess of a teenage girl. But I don’t think I’d have it any other way. I like it this way.♥

In fact, Emily inspired me to change the “About” section of www.whyisthispopular.com to something like “I (insert verb). I (insert verb) (insert adverb). I am (insert noun)” but figured Mad Libs was so 1993 (ironically, the year Emily Grace Sones was born!).

3. Ian Wesley Watts

Ian really showed his sensitive side on his Facebook after the Ian/EmilyS drama episode aired.

Poor baby… he must not have noticed all the cameras around or the script he was reading when he cheated on Emily S!

4. Aaron Breadon!!

I saved the best for last! After Mia kicked Aaron out of the band, many of you forgot about him. Not the true fans… Aaron Breadon is easily the most talented musician on either season of Taking the Stage. Does nobody remember the song he wrote for Mia called Butterflies? What were they doing wasting camera time on Emily S/Adam’s crappy guitar duet? I, for one, demand more talent on next season and that the name be changed to “Aaron Breandon Takes The Stage”.

I realize there are at least a dozen other whiney Taking the Stage teenagers on Facebook. These are the only four I bothered friending because let’s be honest, after I friended Carlton I lost my will to live.

NV/R,

Maria

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