I’m sure you have all seen some of the more recent Facebook status chains and wanted to kill yourself. For the past couple of weeks I’ve noticed that many of my “friends” *cough* have become extremely politically aware. More importantly, everyone on my friends list is apparently going to fall terminally ill immediately because health care is suddenly more than an issue than MTV reality shows, whiny song lyrics, and lolcatz combined.
“Politically aware” Facebook statuses bother me just as much as Green Day’s self-important political rants and Pink’s supposed political career. I’m not exactly sure if people are trying to pass themselves off as smarter or more aware, but the point is that you will never be taken seriously for what you put up on Facebook. Jesus Christ, at least get a .com and legitimize yourself (*cough* www.whyisthispopular.com *cough*). For those people that are too useless to get a real soapbox, Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace remain to be fantastic forums of anonymity and fail. For the rest of us, there’s Mastercard Why Is This Popular DOT Com.
And by “that”, I mean all of London - hello, Danyl Johnson. A contestant auditioning for The X-Factor, yet another British American-Idol-esque knockoff that stars Simon Cowell (seriously, how many talent shows does this guy run? Is he secretly judging Toddlers & Tiaras too?), Danyl is a 27 year old teacher who sings, dances, and charms the pants off the female half of London.
The instant this guy opens his mouth; the audience starts screaming and you can see it in his eyes – Danyl knows he’s got them. He’s so psyched about this that he starts jumping around like Indiana Jones with snakes in his pants, doing leg lifts like an aerobic instructor, punching the air and swinging his arms. I’d be annoyed by this, but I’m too busy googling his phone number.
To put this in perspective: the two female judges are making sweet sweet eye-love to him (one actually winks) the whole time, and try to out-do each other in praise at the end (someone’s getting a booty call from a couple ladies with access to the contestant info…), and I’m pretty sure that Simon Cowell came out of the closet to give Danyl a twice-over, and the old dude actually thanks GOD that Danyl came in today. GOD. When you are moved to thank the lord for yet another useless singer, you know something special has happened.
End it with a slow-mo jump off the stage into the arms of his friends, and we have a perfect photo finish.
As someone who knows better (read: has visited Europe once a year for 19 years), I try to stay out of anywhere that is not called The United States of America. The current popular thing to do is to listen to the Jonas Brothers on your iPhone while you diss America for sucking so badly (compared to African poverty, Irish poverty, Polish poverty, Canadian insignificance…). Most of the people who participate in this have never left America (unfortunately), and insist that once they get out of middle/high school, they’re totally going to leave and live in Ireland/England/Japan.
Never before has Australia looked so appealing.
Luckily, WITP knows better. And as someone who knows, I can tell you that there are several things that suck remarkably about being out of the States. In a vastly generalized sense, here they are:
1. Dollars > Coins
Apparently third-world countries(aka not America) just love using up their copper reserves on Euro/pound coins. Instead of using paper for 1 Euro/pound, European countries are obsessed with weighing your purse down with what feels like half of Perez Hilton’s bulk. The problem wouldn’t be so extreme but every shopkeeper feels the need to give you your £18 of change back in only coins.
If only.
2. Lack of ice/refills
Europe (mainland or otherwise) does not believe in free refills. And only heathens need ice, obviously! This means that you get 30 mL of warm soda for £2 with every meal. What a bargain! Of course, you are also expected to pay for water over here, and if the waiter gets a chance he will attempt to fob off sparkling water on you (only desirable if you eat at The Palm or have a Macbook Air).
3. Air Conditioning (or lack thereof)
Although I will admit that in general Britain has no need for it, countries further south certainly do in the summertime. But wait, you say! Last time you visited the boonies, you saw (one or two) stores that advertised air conditioning!
Let me explain something to you. European air conditioning is equivalent to a Jewish slave fanning the Pharoah with a palm leaf: unenthusiastic and ineffective. Basically they turn on one box fan from ’86 and call it AC. False, Europe!
4. The Driving
Anyone who’s been to Europe (and in particular Britain, or any back country really) will know what I’m talking about here. But for the uncultured (lucky) of you, let me explain: The road infrastructure in Britain (I’m going with Britain here, but pretty much any road in Europe is the same) is built around transportation for the poor in the 1600s. Do you know how the poor travelled back in the day? By foot.
This means that you have a bunch of one-lane roads approximately 3 feet wide cut into the sides of hills (built for easy falling!). But the fun doesn’t stop there! These hills are difficult to build roads on, so the road is made to match the hills, meaning that there’s a whole bunch of 90 degree angle turns. And the speed of the driver on one of these roads is inversely proportional to how wide/straight/safe the road is. The fun continues when you realize that buses drive on these roads. Buses as in the big kind, with the turning radius of a Boeing 777.
Did I mention I’m taking the bus seven hours down to London? See you back in America, if I survive.
I’m pretty sure we’ve all heard about the pirate attack on the Maersk Alabama. The crew got attacked by pirates who left the crew pretty much alone and hijacked the captain. Then the Navy SEALS showed up and shot the shit out of everybody.
But they missed a pirate! And although he apparently knows enough English to tell the crew members he wants to go to America, he doesn’t seem to know enough to tell anyone his name. So he will henceforth be known as Starving Hook.
Why starving, you ask? Because he’s a Somalian Pirate. As one of the crew members said, “He’s just a little skinny guy, you know, from Somalia where they’re all starving and stuff.” Ah, profundity.
As for him talking – apparently he told one of the crew members that his country was starving and asked if the crew could help him get to America (good timing, Starving Hook). Crewman Ken Quinn -
I said, ‘Yeah, you’ll probably going to go anyway. I don’t think you’re going to need my help. If he goes to jail here, it will be a whole lot better than living in Somalia.
Truth is though, this crew member wasn’t far off the mark. The guy is smiling so widely that his non-dentally-attended-to teeth might just bust out of his mouth.
Guess he doesn’t miss his three compatriots. To all nations of the world, let it be known: you can sit on your hands and dither all you want when starving pirates hijack your ships. When American crews get kidnapped, our military’s gonna kick the crap out of whoever had that bad idea.
And our captives will STILL be happy to get jailed in our country.
- Margo
Thought of the Day
Why is it called an outfit if your clothes are supposed to help you fit in?
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