Posts Tagged 'Audrina Patridge'

The Hills: Kristen Vs. Mikaela

Published June 1, 2010 MTV , television 12 Comments
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I cannot be the only person who thinks that Kristen is overreacting over the fact that Brody is dating his latest awkward-faced brunette Mikaela. Basically, Kristen and Brody are in a type of friends with benefits situation known as “casual dating.” Brody constantly makes these over the top comments to Kristen about how he enjoys being single and playing the field. Kristen, unfortunately, does not take the hint that this actually means that Brody is playing the field.

Instead, Kristen throws a hissy fit when she realizes that Brody is seeing other people. To be fair, Brody throws the initial temper tantrum and accuses Kristen of not being friendly to “the first girl he’s brought out,” as if he expected Kristen to lay down the red carpet and bring her flowers. Later it’s Kristen that confirms that she’s positively jealous of Mikaela and dying inside that Brody could hold hands with someone else in front of her. Why? “Friends don’t do that.”

I am Reptar, hear me roar!

I’m on Brody’s side with this one… friends do that, they introduce their latest romantic interest to their best friends! Kristen isn’t approaching the situation as Brody’s friend, but rather as his sort-of-girlfriend. Since she clearly cannot handle being friends with benefits, it looks like she’s either going to have to go back to just friends or find a way to make their relationship exclusive. What do you think?

NV/R,

Maria

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The Hills: Final Season Premiere

Published April 27, 2010 MTV , celebrities , fashion , television 12 Comments
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Let’s be honest, you wouldn’t even know that The Hills was now airing Season 7 considering the fact that nothing noteworthy has happened over the span of six seasons. After a painful marathon weekend, I think I can speak for all of us when I say that I’m ready for The Hills to be done. According to the trailers, this season will be full of Spencer/Heidi drama, accusations, drug abuse, and anorexia… so basically nothing new. As I see it, the only things that have really changed since Season 1 are Heidi’s face and Heidi’s boobs anyways.

Heidi's Transformation into an Ugly Duckling

Regardless, Season 7 begins with about as much suspense as the plot of Titanic. Stephanie is in AA, has been in jail twice, and has a DUI! Thankfully Lo changes the subject immediately to hanging out with “the guys” (aka Frankie, who appears to be female, and Brody, who is clearly female). Whoops! We’ve hit minute two of Season 7, which means we need to mention Heidi’s 10 surgical procedures and gasp as if we haven’t been reading/hearing about it for months!

This is about when we see the highly anticipated conversation between Heidi, her mother, and her alcoholic sister Holly. The conversation is about 30 seconds longer than what was shown in the overplayed trailer and involves much of what you would expect: tears and meaningful glances from Holly.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

No need for a plot transition, MTV… let’s all party in Florida with Kristen, Audrina *yawn*, Brody, and some extras! Cue the dagger eyes from Kristen as she watches Brody flirt with Audrina (surprise, surprise). I honestly wish I could say more but this is exactly what happened and how can you expand on such little substance? You cannot. This is why we watch 8 minutes of commercials for every 22 minutes of this crap.

Heaven forbid we stray from Heidi’s face, though, because we’re back to discussing her newly acquired Skeletor mask. I actually laughed out loud when I realized Heidi couldn’t even eat food… it explains her Skeletor body to match the face!

Unlike Heidi, Kristen allegedly gets her figure by being a “crackhead” (according to good ol’ Lo). Stephanie, obviously, cannot be around such a bad influence “at this point of her life” (i.e. right after getting a DUI). The conversation gets a little boring and awkward… perfect time for another commercial break!

Can we please review? We are 23 minutes into the first episode and absolutely nothing has happened besides seeing everyone make fun of Heidi’s hideous plastic surgery and the same Kristen/Audrina drama from Season 6.

MTV devoted the last few minutes to the Kristen drug accusation. Kristen sounds like a 56 year old chain smoker to me but sounds “cracked out” to Lo, the resident crack expert. “Everybody says that you’re doing drugs,” “your legs are tiny,” and “you are wearing sunglasses.” CALL IN FATHER MERRIN FROM THE EXORCIST! SHE HAS THE DEVIL IN HER!

In fact, this whole show is quite possibly the work of the devil. Only this one season is left… but the devil never really dies, does it?

NV/R,

Maria

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Heidi & Spencer Make A Music Video

Published July 1, 2009 MTV , music 5 Comments
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It is UNREAL how far this has gone…

This masterpiece is actually “Copyright 2009 I’m A Celebrity Records.” Apparently you can just make up fake record labels whenever you want to! My first single, for instance, which will be 4 minutes and 23 seconds of different people pooing (released with the music video, of course) will be “Copyright 2009 Spencer Pratt’s Dignity Records.”

@brainonpratt

NV/R,

Maria

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Kristen Cavallari Replaces Lauren Conrad On The Hills

Published May 20, 2009 MTV , television 13 Comments
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When I first saw this article, I was skeptical that Kristen Cavallari (of Laguna Beach Seasons 1 & 2) would join the Hills cast next season. However, as more and more of these articles pop up and I lose all of my faith in the MTV writers, I must admit defeat.

Tyra suggests "cover the clothes and your face as much as humanly possible"

Tyra suggests "cover the clothes and your face as much as humanly possible"

The Hills has become so scripted and fake that it is offensive to real reality shows (like Charm School, Daisy Of Love, and New York Goes To Work) to call the Speidi drama “reality.” Unbeknownst to me (and probably Kristen/Heidi until the MTV writers came up with this back story), Kristen turns out to have been friends with Heidi back in Laguna Beach. Even more, she allegedly introduced Spencer and Heidi while dating Spencer’s on/off bffl Brody. The cherry on top? Kristen caught the bouquet at Speidi’s wedding!

@kristenbrodybaptism

Kristen has loads of intelligent yet diplomatic things to say about Lauren leaving and herself joining. Says Cavallari,”I’m a completely different person than Lauren. I have a lot more energy. I’m more outgoing. I’m a little more spontaneous. And she has a boyfriend so she’s not dating on the show. I’m very open to dating and finding a guy.” At least Kristen can describe Lauren Conrad accurately: ZERO energy. Conversations with Lauren Conrad are less exciting than a high school production of “Death Of A Salesman.”

Now… let the speculations begin! Who is Cavallari going to “date?” I am praying that there is an extreme amount of sexual tension between Cavallari and Brody (they dated before The Hills), spiraling into tension between Cavallari and Audrina “I’m A Squirrel” Patridge. Right when Audrina and Kristen are about to patch things up, Justin Bobby will offer Kristen a “promise ring.” Speidi will have some sort of marriage problems to fill up the other 15 minutes of every episode. Let the drama unfold!

NV/R,

Maria

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The Hills: Where “Vacation Baggage Follows You Home”

Published May 4, 2009 MTV , television 10 Comments
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Tonight’s episode (“Playmates Bring the Drama”) was focused on Brody and Audrina “facing the consequences.” Consequences of what? Of BLATANTLY hooking up in Hawaii (despite Brody’s girlfriend Jayde). But first… there was the obligatory Speidi drama (despite the fact that we obviously all know that they end up getting married).

stacythebartender

Heidi plays PI (with Swizz Beats – It’s Me, Bitches playing in the background instead of the usual crap) and catches Stacy the bartender pursuing Spencer. And by catches, we mean that Stacy and her friends do everything possible to shove themselves under Heidi’s nose trying to catch their 15. Stacy remains remarkably calm while giving Heidi the best advice possible… “there will always be another Stacy.” Narcissist much? Actually, not really, since she later says, “when I’m gone, there will just be another girl”. When even in your own head you’re expendable, self-esteem has hit dangerous lows.

Thankfully that side drama quickly comes to an end for Brody/Frankie to start lying to Jayde about Hawaii. Audrina shares an INTIMATE hug with Brody which DOES start the fire (it was always burning…) Then, instead of being a decent boyfriend, Brody has the audacity to apologize to Audrina for “having to deal with it” after Jayde confronts Audrina!

brodysleepingenemy

It’s difficult to pick a side in the entire Audrina/Brody/Jayde love triangle. Brody is clearly interested in Audrina… and why wouldn’t he be? There are more seasons of The Hills in it for him! A catfight between Audrina and some unimportant friend of Jayde’s ALMOST erupts (thanks for stopping it Frankie… asshole…). Audrina is inane enough to think that Brody will actually stick up for her over his girlfriend!? The writers must have been high on something when they wrote this script; isn’t this stuff supposed to be believable?

audrinanutsbrody

The entire Audrina/Brody thing is so beyond comprehension that it’s difficult to watch in its entirety. Brody is playing the psuedo-martyr… acting like he should have done this or done that but woe is him (somehow). LC ends on some mistifyingly deep thoughts… “sometimes we sacrifice things for the people we love… wouldn’t be the first time.” That is what is called in the literary world an allusion to Heidi. Bravo MTV writers, A+ in English 101!

NV/R,

Maria

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The Hills lives on, Lauren Conrad does not.

Published May 2, 2009 MTV , celebrities , television 6 Comments
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Bye-bye Lauren Conrad! Our far from favorite MTV “reality” show, The Hills will be returning for their 23,1409th 6th season without narrator and all-around boring douchebag LC.

goodbyelc

For once, MTV got something right: we all hate Lauren. Ever since Laguna Beach, Lauren has been the sniveling little brat who raised hell when she didn’t get her way. Back then it was Stephen Colletti (definitely the most obviously gay teenager of 2005), now it’s other things that are of great concern for her (i.e. who her friends are dating).

Ever since Heidi Montag turned religious, the public suddenly loves her. Who cares that she has turned into a Hollywood bimbo, completely changed, and is dating the spawn of Satan? Let’s face it: compared to Lauren she’s basically Michelle Obama.

heididevoutchristian

Also, since Brody’s “Bromance” show failed miserably, he obviously needs to be getting more air-time. Between Speidi, Brody, Squirrel (Audrina), and the constant yapping of Stephanie Pratt, the show no longer has room for Lauren’s colossal ego.

Probably the funniest part of this is how Heidi reports this to the press… before you see what Heidi has to say, keep in mind that Heidi literally spent an entire season and a half trying to win back LC because she had no friends other than her fiance’s antichrist of a little sister. “I just don’t know if we need her,” explains Heidi. “I know she hasn’t been wanting to be doing this for a while, and [the life she really leads] is not on camera. So I think it’s a closing chapter for her. I’m sure she’ll have fun and success.”

heidiconfused

Fun and success doing what, exactly? Being a heinous brat? It’s priceless how Heidi pretended to love Lauren just to become a star of The Hills again.

I hope that Spencer is the new narrator. Yeah, he’s a douchebag… but at least he tells it like it is. But, since MTV sucks, with our luck Audrina’s whiny squirrel voice will fill us in on every time Speidi argues or Stephanie looks like a trainwreck (proof that money/fame cannot do anything for you if you are naturally an ass with no fashion sense).

NV/R,

Maria

Recap: The Hills

Published April 12, 2009 MTV 14 Comments
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Somehow this godawful show has made it to it’s fifth (and thankfully final) season on MTV. We’ve been through so much fake completely genuine drama on the show that it’s difficult to keep track of frenemies. Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered! In true WITP style, I will explain the trainwreck that is The Hills.

1. Lauren “LC” Conrad (heinous drama queen)

lc

LC is the epitome of being famous and utterly talentless. Her original claim to fame on Laguna Beach was as a boyfriend-stealer who communicated completely through staring at Stephen (remember the gay boy who was “popular”??) and bitching about Kristen. Now she’s graduated to staring at whatever guy is using her (like Brody) and bitching about Audrina, Heidi, Spencer… wait, she bitches about EVERYONE. She continually gets a BFF! who then disagrees with her on how she should live her life, and Lauren throws a huge fit and cuts the unfortunate ex-BFF out of her life. Then she talks on shows about how these people just made a lot of mistakes… yeah, like not listening to you, you crazy-ass control freak. Not sure why MTV keeps her the narrator of the show since she is truly unbearable.

2. Heidi Montag (friend turned enemy turned friend?)

heidi

Heidi isn’t really terribly interesting, to be honest. Season 1 of the Hills showed us a natural-looking girl but more recently Heidi has gone crazy with altering her appearance. She is married whoops! tricky marriage laws! engaged to Spencer Pratt which makes her almost a Pratt (hahahahahahahahah geddit?). She also has delusions of having a career in music. Her Twitter account is insanely popular, but still not popular enough for people to actually buy her album. Lauren Conrad may or may not be her friend right now but then again, who really knows (other than MTV producers…)

3. Spencer Pratt (useless human being)

spencer

Spencer can best be described as a spoiled rich kid. He has yet to demonstrate any sort of talent or work ethic. Regardless, he refuses to spend his money on a decent haircut and some sort of skin products to reduce the glare from his massive forehead. He’s the villain of The Hills although the entire conflict was barely even interesting at its height. To make a long story short, he leaked information made up lies about Lauren Conrad’s sex tape. He is admittedly a giant douchebag but somehow continues to get exactly what he wants, which makes him a winner of sorts.

4. Stephanie Pratt (meth-head instigator)

steph

Stephanie Pratt is obviously good ol’ Spencer’s little sister, but only by blood. Spencer has said time and time again that she doesn’t know a thing about family or loyalty… which actually is kind of true. Stephanie loves to start shit, and why not? The former meth-head has finally made it onto Perez Hilton, a win in my book. She isn’t altogether what you might call pretty but thank God she’s loaded and can afford the makeup jobs… at least when The Hills’ cameras are rolling.

5. Audrina Patridge (the brains, personality, and face of a squirrel)

audri

Audrina was only interesting when she was dating Justin Bobby (arguably the hottest douchebag in the world). She has since lost all semblance of a personality and her eyes grow a millimeter further apart every episode, adding to the fact that she is a small rodent. At the end of last season she was supposedly fighting with Lauren (like everyone else and their mother), but now she is planning Lauren’s birthday party, so I can only derive that this fight was 86ed by MTVs producers as a poor choice of storyline.

6. Other Supporting Actresses

lo

whit

7. Supporting Actors

brody

john

To be clear, this show is in no way staged. Every single scene is completely scripted and set-up natural.

The characters actually have no history with each other; they’ve been carefully selected to raise the douchebaggery level of The Hills (very easy as it is already dangerously high) and make Lauren Conrad look more tolerable (much more difficult but necessary for ratings). On the positive side (but only if you live in Hollywood), a role on The Hills basically guarantees your own MTV reality show and magazine covers despite your lack of talent and personality.

The new episode airs Monday at 10 PM ET/PT. Could it be that next episode… Lauren will get into a fight with a former friend?! Only time and MTV producers will tell.

-Maria

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