Megan’s out of luck – After finally procuring herself a TV show (she had only been in about 20 other reality shows first), her show gets canceled when it turns out that a murderer was getting solo dates.
Ryan Jenkins, supposedly a real estate agent worth over $2.5 million, is wanted for questioning concerning the murder of his wife (!!!) Jasmine Fiore. Jasmine, a semi-model whose image is, creepily, still being used in a phone sex ad, was found murdered in a suitcase near San Diego. She had been texting her ex-boyfriend, and hours after her death, the ex-boyfriend got a text from her phone saying “suck it”.
Vh1 could have, say, HAD a vetting process.
Maybe 51 Minds (the production company behind Megan Wants a Millionaire) should re-think their vetting process a little. They could think about, say, checking to see if one of their contestants had been convicted of assaulting their last girlfriend?
Hello 21st century… civilization, the amenities of modern technology, and equality for all (*cough* all Canadians and Australians should just stop reading now, as these concepts do not apply to their third world country lifestyles). Please let me introduce to you the evolution of truck genitalia: nuts for your truck.
Nuts for your truck are literally fake scrotums to hang off your truck that will go quite nicely with your Confederate flag, pissing Calvin (on religion/topic of choice), gun control bumper stickers, and dented license plate. Exactly who are you attracting with your endowed TRUCK? Oh, here we go… lovely Ms. Confederacy right here!
om nom nom... dip does a body good!
I’m sure everyone is dying to get their hands on a pair of these *snort* and apparently the market is HUGE because you can get them at this website, and this one, and even this one, not to mention this one. Don’t forget to buy your nuts here too, for a mere $20 a sac! If you live south of the Mason-Dixon line this may seem like an incredible idea. On the other hand, for those with half a brain, you may want to know side effects of truck nuts:
I will judge you.
I will cut you off.
I will not let you enter my lane.
I will judge you.
I will judge you.
Southern mid-life crisis (keep in mind the life expectancy of a hick is about 40 years) often include large trucks, large guns, large wives, large beer bellies… all created to overcompensate for small brains, small penises, and small trailers. You can see exactly why large fake balls would be right up their alley, right? I’m not exactly sure where truck genitalia can fit into a northern lifestyle, though. A usual mid-life crisis for an upper-middle class man often includes a sports car and a young girl with fake tits.
you're breaking my balls! - cartman
I haven’t made any serious conclusions about the subject, to be honest. While I am utterly horrified that human beings could be allowed to hang genitalia off their vehicles, I am not surprised that it’s happening… in a weird way, I want to buy one of the weird novelty light-up nut sacs for riding my bicycle at night. Safety first!
Now before you all get bent out of shape, let me add that I myself am Scottish; forgone citizenship and all. However, you cannot help but admit that we are a freaking crazy bunch of people.
Let’s look over the history of Scotland, shall we?
The first significant thing that happened to this great nation was that Rome tried to invade Scotland. And even though Romans won, they somehow ended up losing anyway. How’s that? Well, Rome continually handed the Picts their asses in battle (since, as you’ve seen in Braveheart, their idea of battle usually consisted of yelling and running nude), but the Scottish were so goddamn stubborn that they refused to change over to Roman rules the way most countries do when enough of their people have died. As an example: In one battle alone, the Roman general Agricola and his army killed 10,000 Scots versus the 300 or so Romans the Scots killed.
In any case, eventually Rome decided that actually Scotland was only useful for farming rocks and that it was too hard to live there, so they left. I’d say the Scots celebrated, but they probably didn’t even notice. A few dead? A few thousand? Oh well!
Then, Hadrien built this wall that really pissed off the Scots. Although the Romans were advanced for their time and stuff, the wall wasn’t exactly electrified. In fact, it was about four feet high. Needless to say, the Scots lost no time in coming over it and beating the crap out of anyone they saw on the other side, just because.
While I’d love to go on about that, I won’t, because it just continued like this for the next few hundred years. Eventually, after a ton of fighting and beheading and kings getting switched around like Japanese card crazes, Edward I of England decided to take over everything he could in Britain for the hell of it. This other guy named William Wallace (FREEEEEEEEDOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!) was not so pleased. Things didn’t go well for Willy, as you all know, because he ended up getting beheaded for treason by the English (even though he wasn’t actually English so he wasn’t exactly capable of committing treason to them).
The Scottish raised all hell just because they liked it and eventually caused Edward I and his successor such a headache that Edward II declared them independent. Edward II, however, then decided that although they were independent, he was going to treat them like the Canada of their day (aka incompetent). He thought the right king wasn’t on the throne and invaded Scotland again. Scotland took this about as well as you’d imagine and sent him packing.
It shouldn’t surprise you at all by this point when I tell you that as late as the 14th century Scotland had a trial by combat for who should be king – the last trial by combat ever in Europe (and probably the only, anywhere other than Scotland).
Scotland is like that asshole debating over something meaningless in the McDonald’s line who has to have the last word. When England became a huge source of power, it was actually a Scot who united England and Scotland. Although James’s mother, Mary of Scots, was a huge dope who couldn’t decide which murdering dick she actually wanted to marry, James was a good ruler who actually managed to (pretty much) keep peace between the countries and carry on England’s success.
Since that happened in the 17th century and Scotland and England have been united ever since, the Scots have probably calmed down a little, right?
Like hell. Actually, even the people who are just Scottish admirerers are damn crazy fools as well.
I hope you enjoyed this impromptu history lesson. Please fly WITP airways again!
I have always been ridiculously interested with extreme stances/people (which is why I’ve seen every documentary on extreme Christians, obesity, drug abuse, and serial killers)… the way people cannot look away from a trainwreck. Which is why I jumped with glee when Westboro Baptist Church released this video…
That’s right, you heard it. “God hates the world (that means you) and all her people (and that means you). You lived out your vain lives!” The best part is easily at 4:34 where we have George W. Bush, Larry King, Osama Bin Ladin, and Michael Jackson together (because God hates ‘em!)… oh wait! There’s Martin Luther King Jr. WHAT A JACKASS OF COURSE GOD MUST HATE HIM!
i'd like to see the biblical passage this comes from, please
Most importantly, we must notice what is being held up and waved around in the back of this little choir. A sign saying “The World is Doomed” obviously fits the general tone of the song. And wouldn’t you know that the flag being waved is a Canadian flag!? OF COURSE! Bite your tongue, America’s hat. Maybe God hates YOU, eh?
Never have two of my worlds collided so abruptly. One minute I’m listening to the radio, and next they announce
This next song is by the actor Drake. He starred in Degrassi as the talented basketball star who was condemned to a wheelchair in the show when he was shot in the back during one storyline.
What?! One minute Drake was an angry wheelchair-bound teen, and the next he’s a supacool rap star. His songs include lyrics like:
Youre all I ever wanted
We can do it real big
Bigger then you ever done it
You be up on everything
Other hoes ain’t never on it
I want this forever I swear
I can spend whatever on it
Yeah, go ahead and spend your Degrassi money on the ladies… We all know where you came from. The song isn’t actually that bad (although Drake’s singing is better than his rapping). He’s been doing the faking rapping for awhile apparently, and this is his big mainstream break with a $2 million record deal.
But sorry, the hoodies and sunglasses do not convince me that you’re a G. You’re supposed to at least be able to pretend that you’re thug – and Drake tries, but fails. This doesn’t so much convince me he’s thug life as it convinces me that Degrassi is about to go under and music is Drake’s lifeline to fame.
As someone who knows better (read: has visited Europe once a year for 19 years), I try to stay out of anywhere that is not called The United States of America. The current popular thing to do is to listen to the Jonas Brothers on your iPhone while you diss America for sucking so badly (compared to African poverty, Irish poverty, Polish poverty, Canadian insignificance…). Most of the people who participate in this have never left America (unfortunately), and insist that once they get out of middle/high school, they’re totally going to leave and live in Ireland/England/Japan.
Never before has Australia looked so appealing.
Luckily, WITP knows better. And as someone who knows, I can tell you that there are several things that suck remarkably about being out of the States. In a vastly generalized sense, here they are:
1. Dollars > Coins
Apparently third-world countries(aka not America) just love using up their copper reserves on Euro/pound coins. Instead of using paper for 1 Euro/pound, European countries are obsessed with weighing your purse down with what feels like half of Perez Hilton’s bulk. The problem wouldn’t be so extreme but every shopkeeper feels the need to give you your £18 of change back in only coins.
If only.
2. Lack of ice/refills
Europe (mainland or otherwise) does not believe in free refills. And only heathens need ice, obviously! This means that you get 30 mL of warm soda for £2 with every meal. What a bargain! Of course, you are also expected to pay for water over here, and if the waiter gets a chance he will attempt to fob off sparkling water on you (only desirable if you eat at The Palm or have a Macbook Air).
3. Air Conditioning (or lack thereof)
Although I will admit that in general Britain has no need for it, countries further south certainly do in the summertime. But wait, you say! Last time you visited the boonies, you saw (one or two) stores that advertised air conditioning!
Let me explain something to you. European air conditioning is equivalent to a Jewish slave fanning the Pharoah with a palm leaf: unenthusiastic and ineffective. Basically they turn on one box fan from ’86 and call it AC. False, Europe!
4. The Driving
Anyone who’s been to Europe (and in particular Britain, or any back country really) will know what I’m talking about here. But for the uncultured (lucky) of you, let me explain: The road infrastructure in Britain (I’m going with Britain here, but pretty much any road in Europe is the same) is built around transportation for the poor in the 1600s. Do you know how the poor travelled back in the day? By foot.
This means that you have a bunch of one-lane roads approximately 3 feet wide cut into the sides of hills (built for easy falling!). But the fun doesn’t stop there! These hills are difficult to build roads on, so the road is made to match the hills, meaning that there’s a whole bunch of 90 degree angle turns. And the speed of the driver on one of these roads is inversely proportional to how wide/straight/safe the road is. The fun continues when you realize that buses drive on these roads. Buses as in the big kind, with the turning radius of a Boeing 777.
Did I mention I’m taking the bus seven hours down to London? See you back in America, if I survive.
Unlike most annoying things, Facebook isn’t just annoying. It continually comes up with new, inventive ways to be annoying.
Facebook’s latest monstrosity is the “Suggestions” on your home page, right under the 3 trillion events you’re invited to that you click “maybe” on, even though you know perfectly well you’d rather be dragged through a wood shredder than actually go to.
The idea behind “Suggestions” is that it suggests something Facebook thinks you can do. Usually it’s a person Facebook thinks you should friend, even though said person is actually a mad scientist/axe murderer/teenager.
The other option for “Suggestions” are fan pages. Unfortunately, they’re never the fan page of something interesting. The fan pages that Facebook suggests for you usually look like this:
As you can imagine, most people, in reality, enjoy kissing/laughing/kicking puppies. I don’t actually need to know whether my friends enjoy these activities, and I don’t particularly feel the need to inform the world that I like making fun of canadians.
Though, of course, I do. Maybe I’ll update my facebook…
Are you looking forward to the Star Trek prequel?!
If you’re
A.Really into shows that go on forever with no sign of stopping
B. Have/are getting a BS in anything other than the liberal arts
C. William Shatner
then you’re probably really into the idea of the new Star Trek prequel. In spite of being the spine-tingling fantasy of every nerd who has yet to discover anime, this movie isn’t just advertised on the SciFi channel. No, it’s being promoted everywhere from MTV in between segments of College Life to Vh1 between segments of New York Goes to Work. Granted, this is because the people in the new Star Trek movie are actually attractive, but that’s probably still not enough to get anyone into the theater who had a girlfriend even before he went to college and learned the magic of low standards + alcohol that so many sorority girls happily pair together.
In any case, whether you’re a proud Trekkie wearing your Worf forehead (whoops, was I supposed to make an obvious joke about Spock ears?) or part of the MTV demographic, I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re going to be disappointed by this movie.
Why?
Because prequels suck, duh.
Think about it. When was the last time you saw a good prequel? In the last five years, we’ve had:
1. Hannibal Rising – Turned a mass murderer gayer than the Queer Eye guys. Where did they disappear to, anyway?
2. Star Wars: The Saga of Suck – All three of the new ones were vehicles to showcase George Lucas’s unfortunately nonexistent writing skills. Your love is like sand; this movie is like a waterfall of suck pouring down on my head without any sign of stopping.
3. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans – It wasn’t enough to show us two godawful movies about vampires v. werewolves, they also released a prequel to show us where it all began! Presumably in some guys pants, since the only interesting scenes in the movie are about blood-sucking that’s not all about the blood, if you catch my drift.
5. Exorcist: The Beginning – Apparently what happened with this movie was that the producers realized they could never top the original, so they completely gave up and showed us a boring version of Indiana Jones instead.
6. Meerkat Manor: The Story Begins – Much like the show, this is just not necessary.
I’d keep going, but since I’m so obviously right, it could get pointless. To wrap up the smoking gun I left on the counter up there, the only reason Shatner is interested in this movie is because it will probably be the only version of Star Trek that sucks less than his.
Okay, I am well aware that it’s becoming harder and harder to make a buck in this economy, but Nat Geo really has to lay off the panic-mongering. First it was Al Gore causing global warming with his private jet. Then it was the avian flu. Now it’s swine flu!
Let me put it this way. There are 22 confirmed deaths from swine flu, and all of them are in Mexico. Normal ol’ influenza kills about 36,000 people a year. There are 1,600 suspectedcases of the swine flu in Mexico. And this is all over the media.
You see, scientists are pooping in their lab coats over the fact that this – like the avian flu – might be the next big ‘un, so the United States is declaring a medical emergency over 22 deaths. In Mexico. Now let me add that there are also 20 confirmed cases of people recovering with no trouble from this deadly killer (oh hai, phoning the redundant department of redundancy).
To qualify for pandemic scariness, a virus must be a new strain that’s not easily treated. Scientists are squawking because two old vaccines don’t work on this type of flu. Of course, there are two current vaccines (Tamiflu and Relenza) that do, but hey, why quibble about details?
The thing is, it’s not that this shouldn’t be paid attention to and taken somewhat seriously. But declaring an emergency (and freaking out moms worldwide about their precious baby who will probably never leave his coal-mining town in Sweden) and shipping 12 million doses of flu medications around to different states seems a tad overdramatic when the US does not currently recommend against visiting Mexico, only advises that citizens wash their hands while there. Thanks for keeping me safe, Uncle Sam!
People are wondering why the swine flu that six Canadians (of course they’re involved) caught seems so mild in comparison to the vast number of serious cases (22) they’ve seen in Mexico. Could it possibly be because the other countries, like New Zealand, that have shipped back afflicted people to their homeshores have better medical facilities?! It may be possible, but like all information about this new panmania, reports aren’t in yet.
Ah, the simple joys of childhood. Skipping in the meadow (yeah whatever; only kids in 1950s films ever did that). Making necklaces out of dandelions. Suing your father for grounding you.
Er, what?
A girl in Quebec was grounded by her father after he found her chatting to strangers online and posting up “inappropriate photos” of herself (NUDES). She’s only 12, so this does not seem at all unreasonable – hell, she probably doesn’t even have her period yet.
Normal kids go and sulk in their room and scream, “I HATE YOU!” when their Dad asks them to come down for dinner. This little charmer asked the lawyer who represented her in her parent’s divorce to sue her Dad.
This isn’t entirely remarkable in and of itself, because everyone knows that pre-teens are brats and if she has access to a lawyer, why not? What is remarkable is that the judge not only didn’t throw the case out of court, but the daughter WON.
Word is the reparations were made in the form of Barbies.
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