Posts Tagged 'celebrities'
MTV’s “When I Was 17″
Published April 28, 2010 celebrities , television 4 CommentsTags: fashion, MTV, music, pink, celebrities, Rihanna, documentaries, Perez Hilton, American Idol, Kelly Clarkson, Chris Brown, reality television, MTV when I was 17, teenager, Puff Daddy, P Diddy, Diddy, famous people, Gabe Saporta, Kris Allen, Ludacris
True Life: I’m Hustlin’ in the Hamptons
Published April 26, 2010 MTV , television 15 CommentsTags: ashleigh, Ashleigh The Hamptons, Ashleigh True Life, brittany, Brittany The Hamptons, Brittany True Life, celebrities, chi chi 212, chichi212, d-list celebrities, Guido, hustling in the hamptons, jonny, Jonny from Jersey, Jonny True Life, long island, manhattan, MTV, reality show stars, reality television, reality tv, the hamptons, The Jersey Shore, the Jersey Shore MTV, true life
Know what’s sad? Being a loser. Know what’s sadder? Being a loser surrounded by successful people.
True Life: I Cannot Stop Watching
Welcome to the latest episode of True Life, in which two poor plebes go to the Hamptons to try to meet rich people to sponge off of. Unfortunately they quickly realize that rich people have very little interest in anything but other rich people.
Jonny is a greasy bro whose semi-symmetrical face is his only asset in life. It gets him hired to another waitjob after his lack of anger management gets him fired from Lackey Job #1. (He was angry because he got regulated to dishwashing after arriving two hours late for work). He’s so grateful for the second job, “Elite Affairs” – dunno how elite huge star tattoos are, but okay – that he steals liquor from them!
The second girl, Brittany, is a blogger who writes about the parties of rich East Coasters. Fascinating! To make her life more interesting, she has a bitchy co-writer that she freeloads off of but complains about constantly. Oh, and Brittany is very focused on everyone being racist towards her because she’s black, even though there’s zero evidence of it in the show (and c’mon, MTV would be ALL OVER that if it happened).
In a shock to exactly nobody, at the end of the episode Jonny realizes he’s partied too much and moves in with his brother. He’s pursuing a sure-to-be-successful career in music.
Probably the crowning moment of the lameness that is these people’s lives is when Brittany fires Ashleigh by e-mail. Then she goes to an “elaborate affair” with painted-on pasties on the dancers. And then… Ashleigh shows up at the party! Oh noez! The text on the screen at the end declares them frenemies forever.
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NV/R,
Margo
Tragic News: Lindsay Lohan Has Returned
Published May 18, 2009 celebrities , movies 7 CommentsTags: celebrities, Lindsay Lohan, celebrity, I Know Who Killed Me, Rotton Tomatoes, Parent Trap, Mean Girls, David Michaels, The Other Side, movie, new release, actress
Lindsay Lohan, who up until recently has been widely perceived as dead, appears to be returning to “acting.” I think we all remember “I Know Who Killed Me,” the 2007 flop that got a whopping 8% from Rotton Tomatoes. And by “remember” I don’t mean remember watching, since I am assuming you all saw the trailer and gagged.
I can’t completely write off Lohan’s career, considering she starred in the Parent Trap and Mean Girls. Aside from these two I can’t think of a single good movie she has released. Basically puberty killed her career.
Some idiot (D-list director/writer/producer David Michaels) went temporarily insane and hired Skeletor for The Other Side, scheduled to release in October 2010. Michaels might as well have walked under a ladder, broken a mirror, and started breeding black cats… Lohan will practically guarantee zero success for his film.
The film, comically enough, stars Lohan as some sort of scholar. The only thing she could school others in is being a crackwhore. To prove how serious she can be, she told reporters “I’m committed. I’m not going to be late. I’m really, really excited about doing this and working with these other actors.” Wow Lindsay! What incredible work ethic! I smell a Harvard graduate in the making…
NV/R,
Maria
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Naked Rihanna – No Shirt, No Shoes, No Talent! (SFW)
Published May 9, 2009 celebrities , music 15 CommentsTags: celebrities, celebrity, Chris Brown, Eurythmics, hollywood, naked pictures, nsfw, nude pictures, Perez, Perez Hilton, Pussycat Dolls, Rihanna
Wow Perez, really out-assholed yourself this time. Rihanna (former girlfriend/abusee of Chris “Ima Beat You Up BEYOTCH” Brown) is in the spotlight again (thanks to Perez) – NAKED. Sifting through the pictures at first seems pretty tame (I don’t see a huge difference between celebs in underwear and celebs in bikinis).
Then all the sudden it’s like being Rihanna’s mirror straight out of a Pussycat Dolls video!? We’re talking full-frontal, extremely explicit, inappropriate snapshots. Wow Rihanna… all that incredible PR/sympathy you’ve been rolling in the past months down the drain.
The truth is that Rihanna has been swimming in controversy instead of talent from the beginning. First we thought she was a man (“thought” like I don’t think that anymore…) and then of course the Chris Brown fiasco. Now this? I’ll be the first to say that I hate Rihanna’s music. SOS, please someone help me… words straight from God. Her songs are more mentally and physically debilitating than Chris Brown’s left hook. Paired with looking like a dying ostrich stuck in a Eurythmics music video and you’ve got Grade A Hollywood Trainwreck.
NV/R,
Maria
Lindsay Lohan: Unfed and Unfunny
Published May 8, 2009 celebrities , the internet 4 CommentsTags: alcoholic, CBS, celeb, celebrities, celebrity, comedy, FOD, Funny or Die, Good Cop Baby Cop, Lindsay Lohan, Pearl Ferrell, probation, spoof, The Landlord, video, Will Ferrell, youtube, Zach Galifianakis
Every once in awhile, Funny or Die fails me miserably. In between Zach Galifianakis and Pearl Ferrell… F’D slips in something so terrible it makes me lose faith in humanity.
Exhibit A: Lindsay Lohan’s Attempt At Comedy
“I’m recently single, (pause) I think, and I’m looking for someone who I can spend the rest of my life with. Or, at least the rest of my probation with. Ha ha. A little bit about me. I’m an actress, a singer, an entrepreneur and I single-handedly kept ninety percent of all gossip websites in business. I would define my personality as, uh, creative. I’m a bit of night owl. I’m a workaholic, a shopaholic, and-”
Give me a call the second probation jokes get funny. Then we can all sit at the campfire singing kumbaya and making fun of malnourished children with AIDs. Let’s set the record straight: nobody ever found Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, or any other anorexic female celebrity who was just discovering the miracles of drugs and alcohol “funny.”
Thank God for the “Die” button. In the meantime, ¿WITP? will be accepting donations for our “Feed Lindsay (and other washed-up celebrities) Drive.” We appreciate the kind that jingles, but we’d rather get the kind that folds.
NV/R,
Maria
B-b-b-b-b-Bad Bad Bad Songs
Published April 23, 2009 music 10 CommentsTags: Britney Spears, celebrities, fashion, geisha, just dance, lady gaga, lipstick, michael jackson, MTV, music, poker face, red lips, red lipstick, teacup
Lady Gaga is one of those few special people that not only hurts my ears, but my eyes. A typical outfit for her consists of raiding the closet of an alien invader who’s about to spearhead a battalion of battleships racing toward Earth. Actually, taking this one step further, maybe she IS an alien. That would explain the screechy, repetitive, irritating technobop she records that the radio tells me is “music”. (FALSE.)
Trying too hard is never cool.
It’s the kind of techno beat that’s usually only popular in Europe (and not even just in gay clubs). They’re often remixes of songs that once were normal and possibly even catchy when Britney Spears sang them. It’s not entirely impossible that Lady Gaga just stole some recordings from Britney and made them bad.
The thing is, even if her songs weren’t bad, A) You can’t sing along, and B) Why would you want to? The list of things I want my neighbors hearing does not include “My poker face my p-poker face. My poker face my p-poker face. My poker face my…” You get the idea, and I’m starting to hate myself.
There’s absolutely no argument that anything Lady Gaga puts out is in any way decent – repeating yourself umpteen billion times with a beatboxer in the background does not a good song make. So where does she get off trying to be weird and artsy? If you actually have some talent, I’ll accept you acting a little weird (like, say, Michael Jackson and his fifteen nose surgeries). But trying to act like you’re stylish and interesting does not work when nobody really cares what you’re doing (like freaking out about the fact that you lost your favorite teacup. ~so artsy~).
In addition, pretending your lips are shorter than they actually are only adds to your attractiveness if you’re a geisha.
- Margo
Zombie Snaggletooth on the Loose – Somebody Catch Amy Winehouse!
Published April 20, 2009 celebrities , music , rants 7 CommentsTags: amy winehouse, celebrities, Heidi Montag, hollywood, music, rehab
I think Earth as a whole collectively agrees that Amy Winehouse is a hot mess. At any given time she’s got more coke than a vending machine, and her hair is being nested in by at least 3 different types of bees. We can only hope the African Death Bees eventually see the error of her ways and turn on her.
Although her music is only slightly more grating than chainsaw on bone, I’ll let it go if you’re into it. Hey, some people like Heidi Montag! What I object to is having to look at her on the cover of magazines/tabloids/wanted posters. A little known fact: the second-largest country in the world is located between Amy Winehouse’s eyes. And half of Canada’s yearly revenue is generated by supplying her eyeshadow and mascara.
When I see Amy Winehouse, I think the same thing I do when I see those “gawth” girls at the mall. Why spend that much money on makeup when you’re just going to look like crap? It’s like Amy Winhouse actually goes out of her way to look as unattractive as possible. Beehives were fashionable circa 1700. And if Winehouse is going to steal Cleopatra’s beauty tips, she should really give homegirl some props for it. Black, nasty teeth? Only fashionable in ancient Japan.
She hasn’t put out anything new since 2006, but it’s okay, she’s been busy with different projects. Like marrying, and subsequently divorcing, her dealer husband Blake Fielder-Civil. Then freaking about about him getting another girl preggers (and Blake seemed like such a nice young lad!). And then plotting to get him back into her claws by… dating another guy? Maybe you can only understand this plan if you’re coked out all the time.
Her latest brilliant idea is… can’t you see where this is going? Adoption! I have (as always when I guess the lowest level people can sink to) been proved wrong; there is something worse than getting kiddies for publicity. There’s getting kiddies while the track marks are still fresh on your arm.
- Margo
Miley Cyrus – Pure and Sweet and Likes Posing in Underwear
Published April 15, 2009 celebrities , television 14 CommentsTags: celebrities, cyrus, Hannah Montana, justin gaston, miley, Miley Cyrus
Miley Cyrus was born to make you feel bad about yourself. She’s 16, she’s got huge gums, she’s constantly sounding off like an idiot, and she STILL is going to make over a billion dollars by the time she’s 25.
Her claim to fame is the Hannah Montana super-craze that eclipses even the Jonas Brother’s epic fame. It’s a show about a girl who lives in the best… of both worlds… aka she gets the perks of having friends who actually like her and then the considerably greater perks of being rich and famous. Sort of like if Hilary Duff had lived her life and the life of Lizzie McGuire simultaneously. What, have we forgotten about Lizzie already? At least that show was sort of funny. Hannah Montana, as far as I can tell, has no redeeming values except for being every fangirl’s dream. It’s like a fanfiction on air.
So classy.
In real life she claims to be a pure little churchgoer… who routinely has pictures surface of herself in underwear doing the kind of fish-faced poses that tweens think are so HAWT. She also has a 20-year-old boyfriend who’s an underwear model and was a contestant on the reality series Nashville Star. Guess you’ve upped the ante now, hmm Justin? Now you’re using Miley instead of a reality show to get your “singing career” started.
Now, I’m aware that she’s only 16, but every time this girl opens her mouth – or even poses for a picture – she sounds like a complete idiot. Case in point: a recent interview with Teen Vogue where she told us to look it up on the internet; that Alice in Wonderland was about ecstasy. Alice in Wonderland: Published 1865. Alice in Wonderland Disney movie: Released 1951. Ecstasy: Street use starting 1970. YOU look it up on the internet, Miley.
- Margo
Conquering Death – Not Always a Good Thing
Published April 8, 2009 life and death 7 CommentsTags: body sculptures, celebrities, dr. death, egyptians, michael jackson, mummies
Oh Michael Jackson, will you ever stop being creepy?
Nope. Nopers. Nuh-uh. Never.
The latest update in his unending quest to be the scariest guy around is that Michael Jackson apparently is going to be stuffed with plastic after his death. Basically what happened is that a guy with a nickname that every superhero villain is jealous of – “Dr. Death” – has started replacing internal organs and whatnot with liquid plastic, thus cheating decomposition so… um…
Actually, what is the point of this? Are interested parties supposed to stare at the dead people filled with plastic in some sort of post-life wax museum? The answer would be yes. Dr. Death calls them “body sculptures”. Does nobody else see the imminent descent into evil here?! In no time at all Dr. Death is going to be sneaking up on the prettiest people in town with a pickaxe. “Ah, the perfect addition to my collection.”
And not be a downer, but the whole conquest over decomposition that everyone’s raving about? Egyptians did it first.
- Margo
The Fall of a Mighty Empire
Published April 2, 2009 fashion 3 CommentsTags: anorexia, celebrities, fashion, hollywood, models, shoes, trends
Do you all know why the Romans died out? It’s because they had bad fashion sense. (This may or may not be true.) And 21st-century America is coming dangerously close to repeating their mistakes.
The gladiator sandal. Simply put, these shoes make your feet look flat, which makes you look short. The long straps going across your foot make your foot look impossibly wide, and the tight little straps going up your leg give you cankles. The reason people in Hollywood can get away with them is because they’re anorexic. Normal people generally cannot.
The little cankle-length sandals aren’t so bad though; at least I have to look all the way to floor before recoiling in horror. What’s really a crime against humanity are the knee-length sandals that make it look like your legs have been naughty and are being trapped in an iron maiden as punishment.
Factual Truth
Remember the Romans. Stick to Uggs or flats like normal people.
- Margo
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