Posts Tagged 'College Life'

MTV’s College Life – Spring Break

Published June 4, 2009 Uncategorized 1 Comment
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In the latest two episodes of College Life, “February” and “Spring Break”, we see true love and hearbreak. Success and failure.  Temptation and redemption. All in under an hour… gotta love it.

February starts with problems between the new “it” couple, Josh and Lindsay. Josh starts his best leech impersonation, and Lindsay has to study. This annoys Josh when she doesn’t instantly returns his texts. As everyone knows, desperation is the best attractant, so Lindsay… dumps him. Surprise! Of course, not before she and Andrea have an extremely awkward conversation on Facebook.

Andrea’s having problems of her own. She’s stopped going to church in favor of doing lingerie fashion shows, so her uber-Christian rooommates now hate her. Fair enough, we hate her too.

Jordan’s got relationship issues too. He hooks up with a girl named Coco… really… while drunk, and then dumps her because she listens to Nickelback. I’d have dumped her too, but not because she listens to bad music; because her name is freaking Coco!

Kevin’s part consists of him dealing with a bat. Fascinating.

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In the Spring Break episode, everyone heads to Panama City because the MTV camera crew didn’t want to split up to go separate places with these kids.

Andrea decides her roommates are right (aka, she is a pansy) and that she needs to focus on her bff Jesus. So she walks around the beach and pesters people about whether God is in their lives. Josh, when he’s not stalking her or Lindsay… Wait, that’s all he does.

Kevin, on the other hand, gets to Panama City despite being ditched by his ride, and makes nice with a group of ugly rich girls so that he has a place to stay. He provides the “entertainment”… Is this tv-appropriate?!

Poor Jordan is the only one stuck at home in Illinois, watching Discovery Channel. Wonder if he noticed the surplus of animal attack stories?

NV/R,

Margo

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College Life: Mid-Season Recap

Published May 12, 2009 MTV , television 1 Comment
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When we last left off, Kevin was having to move out of his dorm as punishment for being a wannabe fraggot, Jordan was busy being personality-void, Andrea told Josh to JUST LEAVE HER ALONE GOSHHHH, Josh was drowning his sorrows in women, and Lindsay learned the effectiveness of the speed-dial when it comes to dating.

In this episode, Kevin surprisingly cleans up his act a little (at times literally) when he moves to the new apartment, probably because he has nobody to party with anymore and its no fun being an alcoholic by yourself.

Jordan continues developing his ability to be astoundingly dull even when passing out over a toilet. I’m not really sure what he was doing to get there (probably consuming the Natty Light that Kevin missed out on), because my eyes glaze over and I start snoring every time Jordan comes onscreen.

The real interest of this show lies in Andrea, Josh, and Lindsay. Just when you thought this show might have douchebags boring enough to be unstaged…

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In a totally unplanned and unpredictable move, Josh and Lindsay are now dating! How they met? I’m guessing that they bonded over a shared love of MTV airtime.

This unholy union pisses Andrea off an infinite amount even after telling Josh multiple times that she has absolutely no interest in him as a boyfriend. The big problem with Lindsay is that she might have the sexxors with Josh, which would mean that Andrea would be devestated for life and could never get back with Josh (clearly the end of the world). In Andrea’s head, Josh exists to toady to her and Lindsay is there to be a plague upon the world (not far off the mark actually).

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Congratulations MTV, you have managed to violate my trust once again.

NV/R,

Maria

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Star Trek Begins (To Suck More)

Published May 7, 2009 movies 12 Comments
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Are you looking forward to the Star Trek prequel?!

If you’re

A.Really into shows that go on forever with no sign of stopping

B. Have/are getting a BS in anything other than the liberal arts

C. William Shatner

then you’re probably really into the idea of the new Star Trek prequel. In spite of being the spine-tingling fantasy of every nerd who has yet to discover anime, this movie isn’t just advertised on the SciFi channel. No, it’s being promoted everywhere from MTV in between segments of College Life to Vh1 between segments of New York  Goes to Work. Granted, this is because the people in the new Star Trek movie are actually attractive, but that’s probably still not enough to get anyone into the theater who had a girlfriend even before he went to college and learned the magic of low standards + alcohol that so many sorority girls happily pair together.

In any case, whether you’re a proud Trekkie wearing your Worf forehead (whoops, was I supposed to make an obvious joke about Spock ears?) or part of the MTV demographic, I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re going to be disappointed by this movie.

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Why?

Because prequels suck, duh.

Think about it. When was the last time you saw a good prequel? In the last five years, we’ve had:

1. Hannibal Rising – Turned a mass murderer gayer than the Queer Eye guys. Where did they disappear to, anyway?

2. Star Wars: The Saga of Suck – All three of the new ones were vehicles to showcase George Lucas’s unfortunately nonexistent writing skills. Your love  is like sand; this movie is like a waterfall of suck pouring down on my head without any sign of stopping.

3. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans – It wasn’t enough to show us two godawful movies about vampires v. werewolves, they also released a prequel to show us where it all began! Presumably in some guys pants, since the only interesting scenes in the movie are about blood-sucking that’s not all about the blood, if you catch my drift.

4. X-Men Origins: Wolverine – Pros: Hugh Jackman. Cons: Everything else.

5. Exorcist: The Beginning – Apparently what happened with this movie was that the producers realized they could never top the original, so they completely gave up and showed us a boring version of Indiana Jones instead.

6. Meerkat Manor: The Story Begins – Much like the show, this is just not necessary.

I’d keep going, but since I’m so obviously right, it could get pointless. To wrap up the smoking gun I left on the counter up there, the only reason Shatner is interested in this movie is because it will probably be the only version of Star Trek that sucks less than his.

NV/R,

Margo

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College Life – Update 2

Published May 4, 2009 television 4 Comments
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As the episode begins, things are looking down all around for the cast students. Andrea’s bitching to her ex-boyfriend Josh about her life, but is upset that he has the audacity to comment. Jordan might not get his sleeve tattoo finished because his family hates him now. Kevin is trying to guilt his roommate into taking the fall for partying in the room, because he’s been dumb enough to get caught twice already. And Lindsay’s happy about a fairly unattractive guy named Max, which can never be a good thing.

Andrea and her roommate Erica continue to passive-aggressively bitch at each other throughout the episode (nasty words exchanged off camera of course), true to form of girlfights everywhere.  Instead of talking about it rationally so they can live together without sniping at each other, they insist on bitching at each other 24/7 to the vast entertainment of anyone who walks through the room. Maria and I are still confused as to why Erica cares so much about Andrea’s relationships drama… probably because she is too ugly and abrasive to have any of her own. While Andrea’s extremely full of herself, Erica seems to be fashioning herself into the college version of Lauren Conrad, butting into everyone’s love lives. Who knows, maybe Erica will have a new show by next season… called The Dorm.

Lindsay starts to be worried that Max isn’t all that into her, so she harasses his roommate about whether Max really likes her or he really really likes her. Instead of continuing on her good girl theme, Lindsay decides that the best way to get Max to declare them facebook official is to… get in the shower with him? Good plan, Captain Insecure! Word to the wise: Calling a guy over and over again when he hangs up on you is not Romeo-recommended to win hearts. Someone should give them Speidi’s relationship counselor’s number…

Jordan is pretty much ignored in this episode because MTV has realized that much like Baya on Real World: Brooklyn, Jordan is terminally boring. Unfortunately being mixed race and… Wait! It’s election day! Never mind, time to capitalize on Jordan being black.

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Kevin predictably, like 80% of all minus-90 IQ frat guys, is all for McCain because… uh… well, anyway, he thinks McCain would do a better job. Jordan’s reasoning is way better in that he’s supporting Obama because the future President is half-black, just like him!

Kevin finds out fo sho that he’s kicked out of the res halls, which he says is a “reality check”. What he actually means by this is that he’s now gonna need a check from his mommy to pay for the apartment he’s going to rent with 3 other fraggots who think playing beer pong is the most epic thing since keg stands.

NV/R,

Margo

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College Life – Update 1

Published April 29, 2009 MTV , television 6 Comments
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Since we last updated, so much has gone on in MTV’s futile attempt to make normal college life look interesting.

1. Alex (wimped out)

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Boy-hungry Alex actually had the audacity to WIMP OUT of the “project” as they call it. To be fair, one of her friends died, but it was someone back home that she didn’t really seem to be that close to. I am also extremely suspicious of the timeline. When her dad tells her the bad news, Alex says how the friend had told her recently that she had just gotten into college. Given that this show was supposed to take place in August/September, I see no way this is possible. In any case, the real reason she dropped out is because she was about to lose her scholarship. Being a boy-crazy slut has its drawbacks.

2. Lindsay (the new girl)

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“I’m here in the library with my friends… the books! You wouldn’t guess it by looking at me, but I’m a total nerd! Nyuck nyuck nyuck I am so hilarious.” This is the first impression we get of Lindsay. She then goes on to get ultra-pissed at her roommate Miki whose boyfriend is constantly in the room. That’s not entirely uncalled for, but then Lindsay complains to the RA, moves things around to piss Miki off, and puts up a passive-aggressive sign with “boy rules”. Bye-bye, sympathy.

3. Jordan (bankrupting his parents for a sleeve tattoo)

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Apparently Jordan’s parents did not teach him responsibility. His mom is working two jobs to try to put him through college and he gets a tattoo. A $2,400 tattoo. Who the hell did the work, Michaelangelo?! That is an insanely expensive tattoo for something that just looks like some skulls and flames/waves.

The worst thing about Jordan on a very long list is the fact that he feels absolutely no remorse. His mother, father, and sisters are all telling him how incredibly selfish and bratty he’s being and Jordan just doesn’t even care. Not once does he say he feels bad, or cry, he just acts frustrated because people are yelling at him. Basically, he’s an awful person and his parents need to stop paying for his education and start buying other things, like a belt.

4. Andrea (flashes imaginary V-Card)

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Andrea’s story is by far the most entertaining in this little saga, because she makes with the weepies at the end. Basically what happens is she decides she’s totally into this (unattractive and as far as I can tell, personality-void) guy JJ. Her ex Josh is still completely hung up on her for some reason, so Andrea decides to go lead him on a bunch. When her friends find out, they give her hell for it and call her conceited and a ho-bag. She’s still getting frequent flyer miles on her V-Card so I’m not sure about the ho part, but she’s definitely concieted so watching her sob over how unfair her friend was failed to elicit any sympathy.

5. Kevin (cannot do elementary math)

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In spite of his long, arduous hours of practicing the crane position studying, Kevin brings his record grade on a math test from a 35 to a 45. So he decides to pretty much give up on studying and dedicate himself full-time to booze and the ladies. Unfortunately, the ladies don’t like him all that much and he is declared the “creepiest man on campus”. To try to rectify this, Kevin sits down for about an hour and plans out ways to politely decline sex. The only thing he can think of saying is that the girl has her period.

I feel bad making fun of Kevin too much because I’m not altogether sure that he isn’t actually mentally retarded. So I’ll just leave it at that until next time.

NV/R,

Margo

An Introduction To “College Life” – “Real” TV

Published April 23, 2009 MTV , television 7 Comments
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MTV has released a new reality show, cementing the fact that MTV only exists to keep this blog alive. The show, imaginatively entitled College Life, is about life in college. Because, like this show, life in college is boring, overrated, and is a waste of time. The four main characters introduced in the premier this past Tuesday are mind-numbingly boring and prattle on about things that less than 5% of the world could possibly care about… similar to 95% of college students (and a staggering 99.9% of college students in fraternities and sororities).

Without any further ado, I’d like to introduce you to the four obnoxious brats college freshman that give us a little staged drama from sneak peek into their lives.

1. Alex (Texas “academic scholarship” slut)

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Alex is so shallow and boy-crazy it’s difficult to write about her without wanting to slit my wrists. Alex meets this boy (who bravely chooses not to go on camera despite the fact that MTV pays these little turds huge money to entertain other turds) but gets UBER PISSED OFF when he deigns to call her his girlfriend, even though she flat out says that he is “the whole package, her perfect guy.” The reason, you ask? She screams to her friend “the ratio of like girls to guys at this party is 1 to 15! i like want to meet people!” SLUT! Oh wait… “i don’t want to be in a relationship because i have trust issues.” LYING SLUT!

2. Jordan (token half-white half-black guy)

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Jordan is, if possible, even more boring than Alex. The most interesting thing that he just LOVES to capitalize on is that WTF HE IS HALF BLACK HALF WHITE. Somehow this gets mentioned every single time he is on the screen, like it’s some kind of new phenomenon for people to be more than one race. Interracial couples…?? Biracial children…?? How silly!

3. Andrea (“still has [her] v-card” *flashes imaginary card*)

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Her story focuses on how she’s a virgin (and I swear on Kanye’s mom’s grave that she flashed her imaginary v-card to the camera after you admitted to being a virgin) and how her high school boyfriend  Josh (above guy who is a sophomore at the college) is still obsessed with her. She is one of those Gwen Stefani types where she either looks really hot or really heinous, which makes her curiously interesting like Brooke Hogan (who also suffers from the Gwen Stefani disease).

4. Kevin (calls frat boys douchebags but will rush next semester)

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Kevin is the quintessential college meathead who is proud of his ability to do keg stands and look like he has no neck. As you may have guessed, he played high school football and is such a retard that he cannot understand how to find the derivative of x+1 (that is the exact problem he couldn’t solve from the episode, btw). He gets caught drinking in the dorm, as his room is “party central,” but is so badass that he continues throwing awesome parties with cheap beer for the losers and easy girls on his hall!! At least Kevin cares about his Mom… since his Mom will kill him if he gets bad grades, he promises to get “all C’s.” CREARY NOT A KOREAN!

-Maria

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