Posts Tagged 'fashion'
MTV’s “When I Was 17″
Published April 28, 2010 celebrities , television 4 CommentsTags: fashion, MTV, music, pink, celebrities, Rihanna, documentaries, Perez Hilton, American Idol, Kelly Clarkson, Chris Brown, reality television, MTV when I was 17, teenager, Puff Daddy, P Diddy, Diddy, famous people, Gabe Saporta, Kris Allen, Ludacris
Wearing Stupid Clothing
Published June 25, 2009 fashion 3 CommentsTags: fashion, Fred, Fred youtube, Hot Topic, youtube
I’m going to be the first to say it: if your clothes have rhinestones, more ruffles than a Victorian funeral, or fake safety pins, I judge you.
Frankly, I don’t understand the point of dressing punk when you buy the clothes from Hot Topic. The whole point of punk is pretending to be anti-establishment, so how is supporting a giant clothing mogul by buying “Hey it’s Fred” shirts punk? Rip up garbage bags, stick a real safety pin through your earlobe, and I might be slightly impressed.
SO PUNK
In the other direction, there’s the girls who took Lolita to heart. These people make it their life’s mission to stuff as many ruffles as possible onto one garment. Note for the future: 2000 + tulle strips of fabric do not make you look attractive. They make you look like you stretched out a toddler’s Disney princess bathing suit.
Why hello there.
If your outfits are worn by homeless people (by necessity) or babies (over-loving mothers), fine. Just don’t go outside and harass my eyes with your lack of common decency.
NV/R,
Margo
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Skinny Jeans aka Chicken Pants
Published June 21, 2009 celebrities , fashion 11 CommentsTags: chickens, fads, fashion, Jonas Brothers, Lindsay Lohan, skinny jeans, style, trends, trendy
Skinny jeans: the best and worst thing to happen to the 21 century. I say best because some people can “pull them off.” (This is a phrase I tend to hate because I think everyone can pretty much “pull off” whatever style [notice I say style, not specific cut of shirts/pants/etc] as long as they have self-confidence.) On the other hand, many men and women should throw away their dreams of dressing like Lindsay Lohan out the window and accept the fact that they look godawful in skinny jeans, aka CHICKEN PANTS.
OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO THEIR ANKLES!? THEY HAVE DISAPPEARED. Using NASA technology, I was able to zoom in on Joe Jonas and bring you this startling image:
NEWS FLASH… skinny jeans make your legs look like a chicken. If you are the perfect height (aka not too midget-y and not too Shrek-y), then you may not look like Chicken Little in your Hot Topic pants. Otherwise, you are spending hundreds on looking like an animal that sleeps and eats in it’s own poop. Om nom nom.
NV/R,
Maria
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Teenagers: Plague On My Life
Published June 12, 2009 fashion , life and death , rants 11 CommentsTags: abortion, birth control, child porn, Coach, democrat, Eminem, fashion, g, gangsta, gangster, gay marriage, Green Day, hair, High School Musical, jailbait, Jonas Brothers, Juicy Couture, mccain, Miley Cyrus, MTV, mtv 16 & pregnant, Obama, politics, porn, pro-choice, pro-life, rant, republican, sex offender, Strawberry Shortcake, taylor swift, teenagers, teens, terrorism, terrorist, trendy, virgin, war, war in iraq
This isn’t exactly a secret… I detest teenagers. Let’s define teenagers: anyone who hasn’t hit puberty, lacks the ability to order fast food in less than a minute, wears their hair in ugly styles to draw attention to their baby face, complains about homework, laugh over-enthusiastically at everything their friends say to appear cool, and deign to look in my direction. The term “teenagers” loosely describes miscreants from ages 10-25 that annoy me. In particular, there are a few thriving breeds that make me rethink having children.
1. Little G’s
Not a whole lot to be said about these useless respirators that ninja all the clean air. What kills me about the little brat that walks around with his sideways cap like he’s Eminem is that the second something scary happens they are whiny children. All it takes are the words “detention” and “parent-teacher conference” to get them to pull up their shorts and shut the hell up. Casually walk within earshot of these and mention that you love child pornography and have recently been put on the sex offenders list… who’s laughing now, you little jerk?
2. Jailbait
Your typical 17 year old girl who is prancing around with her little A-cup cones of happiness out for the world to see. Her major drama consists of not being able to fill out a strapless dress and wondering whether the use of a tampon no longer makes her a virgin. Her MySpace says she loves to party, so she must be legit… right? News flash: she’s a virgin and wants to be the star in MTV’s new show (16 and Pregnant)… want to be her co-star?
3. Trendy Teenagers With Divorced Parents
You know the type… the girl who hasn’t worked a day in her life and yet has five Coach purses. This typically results from a messy divorce with insecure parents fighting for love. Love can be purchased through labels that have long since lost all credibility among the 20+ crowd (e.g. Juicy Couture). On the other hand, it’s amusing to see a kid decked out in Limited Too pull a Bonnie Bell chapstick out of her $300 clutch… about as amusing as a trainwreck.
4. “Politically Aware”
Obviously a product of their environment, these kids parade around their little Obama or McCain button like they actually have a clue about politics. They tend to be very staunch Republicans or Democrats despite not knowing a single point on their politicians platform. Also, they are HIGHLY QUALIFIED to make statements about war, abortion, and gay marriage. To add insult to injury, they tend to make these statements about how much better (insert coutry that their great-great-great grandfather lived in) is than the United States. Reality comes at them fast when they finally travel outside the US and realize that they are miserable without the conveniences of home or those minor factors (e.g. freedom, Declaration of Independence, democracy, etc).
5. The “I Love the 80s/90s” Crowd
Let’s be real: a teenager did not experience the 80s at all. Hell, I barely experienced the 80s. As such, I do not parade around in lycra pretending like I INVENTED Strawberry Shortcake. To be honest, they spent most of the 90s blowing bubbles of snot out their nose… they never collected pogs. They watch High School Musical and freak out every time the Jonas Brothers TOTALLY diss Taylor Swift (or Miley Cyrus farts in public). NICE SIDE PONYTAIL, you have successfully convinced the world that you’re of legal age.
Regardless of what flavor, all teenagers annoy me. My eye starts twitching the second I hear the Green Day sing-a-long at the table next to mine. When the giggling turns into hyena screech laughter is when I hit menopause mode and say something to the little snots. Nothing turns you into a 85-year-old pensioner faster than a bunch of teenagers who think they’re the shit.
NV/R,
Maria
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B-b-b-b-b-Bad Bad Bad Songs
Published April 23, 2009 music 10 CommentsTags: Britney Spears, celebrities, fashion, geisha, just dance, lady gaga, lipstick, michael jackson, MTV, music, poker face, red lips, red lipstick, teacup
Lady Gaga is one of those few special people that not only hurts my ears, but my eyes. A typical outfit for her consists of raiding the closet of an alien invader who’s about to spearhead a battalion of battleships racing toward Earth. Actually, taking this one step further, maybe she IS an alien. That would explain the screechy, repetitive, irritating technobop she records that the radio tells me is “music”. (FALSE.)
Trying too hard is never cool.
It’s the kind of techno beat that’s usually only popular in Europe (and not even just in gay clubs). They’re often remixes of songs that once were normal and possibly even catchy when Britney Spears sang them. It’s not entirely impossible that Lady Gaga just stole some recordings from Britney and made them bad.
The thing is, even if her songs weren’t bad, A) You can’t sing along, and B) Why would you want to? The list of things I want my neighbors hearing does not include “My poker face my p-poker face. My poker face my p-poker face. My poker face my…” You get the idea, and I’m starting to hate myself.
There’s absolutely no argument that anything Lady Gaga puts out is in any way decent – repeating yourself umpteen billion times with a beatboxer in the background does not a good song make. So where does she get off trying to be weird and artsy? If you actually have some talent, I’ll accept you acting a little weird (like, say, Michael Jackson and his fifteen nose surgeries). But trying to act like you’re stylish and interesting does not work when nobody really cares what you’re doing (like freaking out about the fact that you lost your favorite teacup. ~so artsy~).
In addition, pretending your lips are shorter than they actually are only adds to your attractiveness if you’re a geisha.
- Margo
The Fall of a Mighty Empire
Published April 2, 2009 fashion 3 CommentsTags: anorexia, celebrities, fashion, hollywood, models, shoes, trends
Do you all know why the Romans died out? It’s because they had bad fashion sense. (This may or may not be true.) And 21st-century America is coming dangerously close to repeating their mistakes.
The gladiator sandal. Simply put, these shoes make your feet look flat, which makes you look short. The long straps going across your foot make your foot look impossibly wide, and the tight little straps going up your leg give you cankles. The reason people in Hollywood can get away with them is because they’re anorexic. Normal people generally cannot.
The little cankle-length sandals aren’t so bad though; at least I have to look all the way to floor before recoiling in horror. What’s really a crime against humanity are the knee-length sandals that make it look like your legs have been naughty and are being trapped in an iron maiden as punishment.
Factual Truth
Remember the Romans. Stick to Uggs or flats like normal people.
- Margo
The Secret? Your Coupons are Worthless
Published March 31, 2009 fashion 3 CommentsTags: candy, coupons, fashion, inappropriate, merchandise, sunglasses, teenage girls, underwear, victorias secret
Now, I don’t want to be too much of a hypocrite here. I am a girl, so yes, I shop at Victoria’s Secret. It’s pretty good quality underwear, and that’s fine. However, recently it has started becoming something larger than itself, and that can never be a good thing.
Teenage girls walking around carrying VS bags like they’re purses: why? I don’t need to know that you just bought underwear, and for the love of God, if you’re that strapped for cash just carry your textbooks in your arms.
I’m also not into all this merchandise they’ve started bringing out. Nobody needs a Victoria’s Secret notebook and pen. I don’t particularly want sunglasses advertising where I shop for bras, either. Victoria’s Secret candy? Really? It’s a place to get your unmentionables, not a fun-fair.
The bottom of the sinking tar bit that Victoria’s Secret merchandising is becoming, though, is all the coupons. “Better get this now; this coupon only lasts till tomorrow!” False. Those coupons are ALWAYS available and ALWAYS useless. And anyway, nobody actually wants the ugly brown panties made out of straw that they’ll give you for free.
- Margo
High-Top Sneakers
Published March 31, 2009 fashion 2 CommentsTags: celebrities, fashion, guys, High-tops, Pete Wentz, shoes, so not gay, tight pants
Am I confused about what makes a guy attractive? Are women supposed to be attracted to gay midgets? Let me explain…
We can all agree the Wentz looks like an utter asshole. Women know this key styling tip – dress to your body (aka wear flattering clothing). Guys need to learn an important thing. High-tops (paired with de-masculating tight pants) make you look TERRIBLE. Wentz looks like Lieutenant Dan (with shoes on his… stumps).
I think high-tops can work for a guy under certain circumstances. Circumstance #1 = they are basketball shoes and he shoots at least 80% from the line (otherwise he’s just an obnoxious poser). Circumstance #2 = they are actually Tims and he is a construction worker (in which case style can’t exactly put him in the marriage-material-category anyways). Circumstance #3 = he is freakishly tall thus won’t undergo the midget-effect (shown above) and they aren’t gaudy enough to make him look like he might be a catcher…
It really eats me up inside that all the hipster shits just drive their Hybrid car to Urban Outfitters to purchase these.
What could possibly make them think this is attractive (or heterosexual)?
- Maria
Wow, Are You a Model?
Published March 31, 2009 fashion 3 CommentsTags: fashion, hatred, heels, models, skanks, skirts, whores
Why is it that girls (and college girls, I am looking at you) feel the need to dress up in their sluttiest outfits when it is either raining, snowing or minus 11 degrees out? I don’t think anybody sees that and thinks, “Wow, only a model would be that dedicated to looking pretty.” No, there are only two reactions to that:
Girl reaction – “What a skank bitch; I hope she slips in a puddle in those five-inch skyscrapers and dies.”
Boy reaction – “Hmm, I think I have a twenty somewhere…”
And at the end of the night, trust me, you do not look hot when you’re walking home barefoot because your FMPs hurt so badly.
- Margo
Boys with Tight Pants
Published March 31, 2009 MTV , fanfiction Leave a CommentTags: celebrities, fashion, Jonas Brothers, MTV, pants, Pete Wentz, so not gay, vh1
I have a confession to make. It’s hard to say, but I feel like I have to do it, because I know I am not the only girl that feels this way. Boys with tight pants bother me… because sometimes they look better than me.
The real problem with this is, they are obviously trying to look good. And if they were a girl, they totally would. There are guys that would hit that, and not just gay ones. I mean, do they look at themselves in the mirror wondering if their pants make their butts look big? Do they hide their junk away, hoping they will be mistaken for the opposite gender? Are they trying to steal my boyfriend?! These are serious questions every female has asked in their lifetime. It’s almost as if these skinny boys are making fun of us ladies with hips and thighs and saying “in your FACE!”
But the real question is: where do these boys end up? Thankfully I have yet to see a middle-aged man sporting skinny jeans.
Having put the disturbing image of your father’s Hot Topic phase in your mind, I’d like to take us to the root of this problem: the Jonas Brothers. I feel as though the advent of gender-appropriate fashion came hand in hand with the Jonas Brothers. The only thing tighter on their pre-pubescent bodies are their promise rings (though we’ll save that commentary for Matt and Trey).
Before Pete Wentz and family Jonas came into the picture, females were the only ones socially allowed to rock their tushes. Let’s blame this one on MTV and call it a day.
- Maria
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