Let’s be honest, you wouldn’t even know that The Hills was now airing Season 7 considering the fact that nothing noteworthy has happened over the span of six seasons. After a painful marathon weekend, I think I can speak for all of us when I say that I’m ready for The Hills to be done. According to the trailers, this season will be full of Spencer/Heidi drama, accusations, drug abuse, and anorexia… so basically nothing new. As I see it, the only things that have really changed since Season 1 are Heidi’s face and Heidi’s boobs anyways.
Heidi's Transformation into an Ugly Duckling
Regardless, Season 7 begins with about as much suspense as the plot of Titanic. Stephanie is in AA, has been in jail twice, and has a DUI! Thankfully Lo changes the subject immediately to hanging out with “the guys” (aka Frankie, who appears to be female, and Brody, who is clearly female). Whoops! We’ve hit minute two of Season 7, which means we need to mention Heidi’s 10 surgical procedures and gasp as if we haven’t been reading/hearing about it for months!
This is about when we see the highly anticipated conversation between Heidi, her mother, and her alcoholic sister Holly. The conversation is about 30 seconds longer than what was shown in the overplayed trailer and involves much of what you would expect: tears and meaningful glances from Holly.
YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
No need for a plot transition, MTV… let’s all party in Florida with Kristen, Audrina *yawn*, Brody, and some extras! Cue the dagger eyes from Kristen as she watches Brody flirt with Audrina (surprise, surprise). I honestly wish I could say more but this is exactly what happened and how can you expand on such little substance? You cannot. This is why we watch 8 minutes of commercials for every 22 minutes of this crap.
Heaven forbid we stray from Heidi’s face, though, because we’re back to discussing her newly acquired Skeletor mask. I actually laughed out loud when I realized Heidi couldn’t even eat food… it explains her Skeletor body to match the face!
Unlike Heidi, Kristen allegedly gets her figure by being a “crackhead” (according to good ol’ Lo). Stephanie, obviously, cannot be around such a bad influence “at this point of her life” (i.e. right after getting a DUI). The conversation gets a little boring and awkward… perfect time for another commercial break!
Can we please review? We are 23 minutes into the first episode and absolutely nothing has happened besides seeing everyone make fun of Heidi’s hideous plastic surgery and the same Kristen/Audrina drama from Season 6.
MTV devoted the last few minutes to the Kristen drug accusation. Kristen sounds like a 56 year old chain smoker to me but sounds “cracked out” to Lo, the resident crack expert. “Everybody says that you’re doing drugs,” “your legs are tiny,” and “you are wearing sunglasses.” CALL IN FATHER MERRIN FROM THE EXORCIST! SHE HAS THE DEVIL IN HER!
In fact, this whole show is quite possibly the work of the devil. Only this one season is left… but the devil never really dies, does it?
NV/R,
Maria
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