Wow Perez, really out-assholed yourself this time. Rihanna (former girlfriend/abusee of Chris “Ima Beat You Up BEYOTCH” Brown) is in the spotlight again (thanks to Perez) – NAKED. Sifting through the pictures at first seems pretty tame (I don’t see a huge difference between celebs in underwear and celebs in bikinis).
Then all the sudden it’s like being Rihanna’s mirror straight out of a Pussycat Dolls video!? We’re talking full-frontal, extremely explicit, inappropriate snapshots. Wow Rihanna… all that incredible PR/sympathy you’ve been rolling in the past months down the drain.
The truth is that Rihanna has been swimming in controversy instead of talent from the beginning. First we thought she was a man (“thought” like I don’t think that anymore…) and then of course the Chris Brown fiasco. Now this? I’ll be the first to say that I hate Rihanna’s music. SOS, please someone help me… words straight from God. Her songs are more mentally and physically debilitating than Chris Brown’s left hook. Paired with looking like a dying ostrich stuck in a Eurythmics music video and you’ve got Grade A Hollywood Trainwreck.
Bye-bye Lauren Conrad! Our far from favorite MTV “reality” show, The Hills will be returning for their 23,1409th 6th season without narrator and all-around boring douchebag LC.
For once, MTV got something right: we all hate Lauren. Ever since Laguna Beach, Lauren has been the sniveling little brat who raised hell when she didn’t get her way. Back then it was Stephen Colletti (definitely the most obviously gay teenager of 2005), now it’s other things that are of great concern for her (i.e. who her friends are dating).
Ever since Heidi Montag turned religious, the public suddenly loves her. Who cares that she has turned into a Hollywood bimbo, completely changed, and is dating the spawn of Satan? Let’s face it: compared to Lauren she’s basically Michelle Obama.
Also, since Brody’s “Bromance” show failed miserably, he obviously needs to be getting more air-time. Between Speidi, Brody, Squirrel (Audrina), and the constant yapping of Stephanie Pratt, the show no longer has room for Lauren’s colossal ego.
Probably the funniest part of this is how Heidi reports this to the press… before you see what Heidi has to say, keep in mind that Heidi literally spent an entire season and a half trying to win back LC because she had no friends other than her fiance’s antichrist of a little sister. “I just don’t know if we need her,” explains Heidi. “I know she hasn’t been wanting to be doing this for a while, and [the life she really leads] is not on camera. So I think it’s a closing chapter for her. I’m sure she’ll have fun and success.”
Fun and success doing what, exactly? Being a heinous brat? It’s priceless how Heidi pretended to love Lauren just to become a star of The Hills again.
I hope that Spencer is the new narrator. Yeah, he’s a douchebag… but at least he tells it like it is. But, since MTV sucks, with our luck Audrina’s whiny squirrel voice will fill us in on every time Speidi argues or Stephanie looks like a trainwreck (proof that money/fame cannot do anything for you if you are naturally an ass with no fashion sense).
I think Earth as a whole collectively agrees that Amy Winehouse is a hot mess. At any given time she’s got more coke than a vending machine, and her hair is being nested in by at least 3 different types of bees. We can only hope the African Death Bees eventually see the error of her ways and turn on her.
Although her music is only slightly more grating than chainsaw on bone, I’ll let it go if you’re into it. Hey, some people like Heidi Montag! What I object to is having to look at her on the cover of magazines/tabloids/wanted posters. A little known fact: the second-largest country in the world is located between Amy Winehouse’s eyes. And half of Canada’s yearly revenue is generated by supplying her eyeshadow and mascara.
When I see Amy Winehouse, I think the same thing I do when I see those “gawth” girls at the mall. Why spend that much money on makeup when you’re just going to look like crap? It’s like Amy Winhouse actually goes out of her way to look as unattractive as possible. Beehives were fashionable circa 1700. And if Winehouse is going to steal Cleopatra’s beauty tips, she should really give homegirl some props for it. Black, nasty teeth? Only fashionable in ancient Japan.
She hasn’t put out anything new since 2006, but it’s okay, she’s been busy with different projects. Like marrying, and subsequently divorcing, her dealer husband Blake Fielder-Civil. Then freaking about about him getting another girl preggers (and Blake seemed like such a nice young lad!). And then plotting to get him back into her claws by… dating another guy? Maybe you can only understand this plan if you’re coked out all the time.
Her latest brilliant idea is… can’t you see where this is going? Adoption! I have (as always when I guess the lowest level people can sink to) been proved wrong; there is something worse than getting kiddies for publicity. There’s getting kiddies while the track marks are still fresh on your arm.
I think we all remember Paris’ “music career” (which lasted about as long any given current engagement) and I’ll admit I even sang along to the chorus. The song, Stars Are Blind, is basically some sort of mix between a porn star singing and the Baha Men (who let the Paris out!? who, who, who, who…) Paris’ amazing stage presence fortunately detracts attention from her complete lack of vocal ability. Her song somehow managed to make it to #18 on the US Billboard Hot 100 (cough cough, she paid them…) and then (and this is a direct quote from Wikipedia) “instead of climbing the chart like most singles, the song made a 12 week decline before falling off the chart.”
Well Paris Hilton, step aside, we’ve got a new skinny, surgically-enhanced blonde to obsess over – Heidi Montag. Being engaged to a spoiled rich kid like Spencer Pratt obviously has its perks, including being funded to explore the world of pop music! Spencer, who is probably just trying to distract her from all of the times he’s cheated on her, encourages his budding bride to sing about how awesome she is and prance around in a bikini (known in Hollywood as a music video). Heidi’s latest single is entitled “Look How I’m Doin’” and is now available on iTunes!
The basic premise of the song is Heidi telling the world what hot shit she is now that she’s discovered platinum highlights and collagen. The lyrics are mind-blowing…
It was end of the summer when we crossed paths
The DJ was spinning ’til the last dance
I showed you a kiss like they do in France
You treated me like coach when I raised the glass
Remember when I first turned 16
Said you were gonna lay me in the city of dreams
But you were never man enough
That’s how it seems
You just held me down
Made it harder to breathe
At first you’re thinking “ok so she met this fabulous guy… that treated her like coach?” I THINK she means Coach, the designer handbags… but then again, I’m not sure what kind of girl you are getting excited about being a purse. Then all the sudden she’s underage and being “lay[ed]… in the city of dreams” (SEX) but he isn’t “man enough” (PREMATURE EJACULATION). Maybe the chorus will make this song better…
Look at me baby (How I’m doing)
Just drop like ahh when I’m moving
Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah
Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah
Look at me baby (How they want it)
Got front seat
And just flaunt it
Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah
Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah
Okay um… Maybe another verse will make more sense lyrically (or at least be catchy enough to hum in the elevator on your way to get an abortion or put your family dog to sleep).
And now you’re freakin’ sorry
‘Cause you missed the lottery
This heart’s worth more than money
You should’ve put a ring on me
So now you act all jealous
‘Cause you know you did me wrong
I let you slip at first mistake
But the second time, I was gone
Look Heidi, Spencer DID put a ring on your spindly little finger… and you married him… IN MEXICO (apparently it is surprising to the geniuses on the Hills to find out that this is not legally binding in the USA. I can’t decide if the director of this show is also this stupid or planned for it to up the “excitement”). I’m thinking Spencer probably doesn’t have much cause to be too jealous of you because you’ve been with him for 5 seasons (committing the ultimate sacrifice – giving up Lauren’s friendship) and let him finance this album. They’re even together promoting this album shamelessly to the paparazzi…
All we can do now is wait and see how high on the US Billboard Hot Shit list it gets before plummeting to the floor, like her fake tits.
Do you all know why the Romans died out? It’s because they had bad fashion sense. (This may or may not be true.) And 21st-century America is coming dangerously close to repeating their mistakes.
The gladiator sandal. Simply put, these shoes make your feet look flat, which makes you look short. The long straps going across your foot make your foot look impossibly wide, and the tight little straps going up your leg give you cankles. The reason people in Hollywood can get away with them is because they’re anorexic. Normal people generally cannot.
The little cankle-length sandals aren’t so bad though; at least I have to look all the way to floor before recoiling in horror. What’s really a crime against humanity are the knee-length sandals that make it look like your legs have been naughty and are being trapped in an iron maiden as punishment.
Factual Truth
Remember the Romans. Stick to Uggs or flats like normal people.
- Margo
Thought of the Day
Why is it called an outfit if your clothes are supposed to help you fit in?
Although her music is only slightly more grating than chainsaw on bone, I’ll let it go if you’re into it. Hey, some people like 
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