Posts Tagged 'mac'

Kylie Presents Windows 7

Published September 24, 2009 apple , technology , television 4 Comments
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WELL DONE WINDOWS! After a slew of mind-numbingly retarded Mac and PC commercials, Windows has finally gotten it right. Who really needs a computer for processing, applications, security, affordability, or other big unimportant words? MOAR KITTENZ PLZ.

Kylie has single-handedly reversed the negative, uptight attitude associated with PCs from the “Hello, I’m a mac — and I’m a PC” commercials that plague our televisions. Kylie didn’t have to actually talk about Windows 7 – who the hell cares WHAT it is as long as the face of an angel is selling it to us? No need to(God forbid) demo it. All we needed was kittens.

Dare I say, you put the WIN in WINdows?

orly

NV/R,

Maria

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Watch Your Money Disappear Into (MacBook) Air

Published May 2, 2009 apple 8 Comments
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Dear Steve Jobs,

Why?

The Macbook Air is quite possibly the most worthless POS that has come out of Apple, Inc. in the past 10 years, second only to the iPod Shuffle. I’m not sure where Apple gets this idea that we want tiny Zoolander-sized products that will get lost in our skinny jeans, but they are sadly mistaken.

Let’s recap on what the Macbook Air actually is… a paperweight. An expensive paperweight. On my Blackberry I can do the following:

  1. E-mail
  2. Surf the internet
  3. Facebook
  4. Message people
  5. Twitter
  6. Take pictures
  7. Listen to music
  8. Play games
  9. Take voice notes
  10. Keep my schedule/calendar
  11. Type notes
  12. Call someone?

On the Macbook Air you can do 1-11… tentatively. Why tentatively? Because besides the fact that it will inevitably break within a month, it DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A DISC DRIVE.

WHAT IS THE POINT OF A LAPTOP THAT DOES NOT HAVE A DISC DRIVE!? That means that all the hipsters need to BUY a disc drive to be able to listen to their trendy 3oh!3, Santigold, and M.I.A. CDs. Furthermore, how will they be able to watch their Jonas Brothers DVD without a disc drive? TRAGEDY IS IMMINENT.

Like most Apple products, this “computer” has a terrible battery. The difference between the Air and other MacCrap? You cannot even remove the battery to replace it! So to keep you up to speed, you are paying over $700 more than a standard Macbook for a paperweight with no firewall or optical drive or (this is the kicker, folks) ETHERNET. So when the battery dies, you’re out $700 and a doorstop.

Honestly for Joe Hipster who wants to have the trendiest thing imaginable, this is probably a great accessory. I say this because Joe Hipster is probably such a huge douchebag that his technological skills do not surpass word processing and updating his twitter, even though he insists on whipping out his -insert Mac product here – every three seconds. For anyone else, I would recommend a Blackberry or (shudder) an iPhone/Touch for  anyone obsessed with being plugged in 24/7.

NV/R,

Maria

Guitar Hero and Rock Band, Where Zero Talent = Big Success??

Published April 18, 2009 music , video games 13 Comments
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guitar

Guitar Hero is the most INFURIATING video game of our generation, second only to Rock Band (only because Rock Band adds to and expands on the already lame Guitar Hero). Both games give completely untalented, uninteresting losers delusions of being popular/musical. Let me explain how these games work in a Venn diagram…

guitarvenn

As you can see, there is not a whole lot to pwning YouTube with your Guitar Hero skills… you just need an enabler (typically mommy or daddy) to buy you this worthless music-creation device.  Then you mix your newly-acquired Rock Band with too much free time and add in some hand/eye coordination! You can even get together occasionally with a set group of people and give yourself an entirely lame and/or inappropriate band name.

Occasionally this budding Kurt Cobain is actually nearing his mid-life crisis and has actually purchased this crap himself in lieu of putting his children through school… either way, there are many steps on the road to success. You will inevitably jack off at least twice daily since the groupies are only on screen and can’t help you out (by the way, you will never get actual groupies, and are doomed to spend your Friday nights with your five-fingered friend).

I think Rock Band was invented to assimilate Guitar Hero junkies into society and teach them social skills. The people with different “skills” get different “instruments” and someone’s supposed to get a date eventually. Sadly, this isn’t usually what happens – Rock Band is just a conduit for other out of shape (and out of touch with reality) untalented tools to pwn Aerosmith together.

-Maria

TILF: Pandora Radio, Gift from the Heavens

Published April 17, 2009 music 2 Comments
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Pandora Radio is one of the best inventions ever. The people who made it call it the “music genome project”, and it’s way better than the human genome project! I mean, you can’t listen to human genomes.

Living in a lonely world...

Living in a lonely world...

What Pandora does is take a song, artist, or even genre that you like, and then it extrapolates other songs that you might like off of the information it has. You can tell Pandora if you like or dislike a song they’re playing, and that will also help add to the information and improve your radio experience.

The only bad thing about Pandora is that you’re only allowed to skip to a different song a few times per hour. This is endlessly frustrating for me as one of those people who always cuts off the song before the slow part of American Pie starts.

Or you can just listen to kitty.

Or you can just listen to kitty.

Overall though, Pandora’s pretty good (obviously, where do you think Genius on your Itunes 8 was stolen from?). It’s easy, it’s free, and you can at least press skip when the Hannah Montana theme song comes on, even if you’ll have to listen to the latest Heidi song.

- Margo

Andy Warhol Proves the Importance of 3rd grade Art Class

Published April 10, 2009 apple , art 20 Comments
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When I was in elementary school, I had the kind of art teacher that would mash up your clay pot and make you redo it “the right way.” At the time I resented the way she stifled my creative mind, but now I think I understand. As I reminisced about the good old days, I thought about our 10,000 lessons on prints. Now for those of you that are slower in the morning, a print is when you draw up some shitty image (like a piece of fruit) and keep printing it over and over again in different colors and on different paper and shit like that. It can look interesting and all, but in the end all you did was reproduce some image a bunch of times. Look, I don’t care that my douchebag art history ex-roommates were doing that shit at the “college level,” a retard could do it.

Now stick with me here… when I took my little frog stamp and printed it in four different colors on construction paper, I didn’t become a goddamn icon of an “art movement.” Somehow, Andy Warhol’s mind-bogglingly simple “art” (aka bullshit in different colors) has become a staple to to the typical asshole artsy college kid’s poster collection. Basically, having some picture of a coke can in four colors says something like “I am so f-ing original I can hardly fit it all into my facebook profile.”

marilyn

Everywhere you go, more douchebags have bought a ticket to the “Suck Andy Warhol’s Dick” train. I feel like I can’t go a day without seeing one of his played out prints on a bag or a t-shirt (especially is a city, aka breeding grounds for wanabe artsy posers who are going nowhere in life). THANK GOD Apple also hopped aboard the iDouchebag bandwagon and made it so anyone can look as original and artsy as Warhol intended them to be!

gay

I’m going to say this once for all you clowns out there to hear: THE USE OF PRIMARY COLORS DOES NOT MAKE YOU INTERESTING OR COOL. Every time I see the Andy Warhol poster on your wall, it just reaffirms the fact that I should hate you and that you will die alone. I hope you choke on your “culture.”

-Maria

[EDIT] you should all check out the first comment on this blog because it’s actually either one of my ex-roommates or another bitch in my sorority. Apparently, she even thinks I’m a gem! thanks Katie Dixon!

Well, I never get tired of shout outs either!!!!!! [/EDIT]

The Forbidden Fruit

Published March 31, 2009 apple 2 Comments
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Though it isn’t entirely specified in Genesis, God was obviously referring to Apple Products. Since the dawn of this phenomenon in 1976, Steve 1 and Steve 2 (and that third guy nobody really cares about anyway) have been ruining our lives.

It really started with the colored laptop. “Oh neat! I can look like a complete tool and pay extra!!” But then Apple one-upped themselves… with the iPod.

Before I continue, I must touch upon the iAdvertising… iPod, iPhone, iTouch…

iGotScrewedOutOfMyMoney is more like it.

My first iPod came free with my laptop in 2005 and only broke about 10 times that year. The reason for this product reliability is that the iPod is complete garbage and is only useful because of its seamless use with iTunes (yet another Apple evil forced on us these days). As if that wasn’t bad enough, we now have to deal with these ads telling us how superior Macs are over PCs from some skinny douchebag who probably hasn’t been laid in his lifetime by non-Mac cultists (aka other douchebags).

You probably think I’m being hypocritical at this point, since I have had 2 iPods and two laptops from Apple. I’m not. I can tell you that… Oh wait, I don’t have to defend myself. Why? Because I haven’t fallen prey to the newest evil: the iPhone.

The iPhone is basically the cellular motherland of a typical MPD (Mac Product Douchebag). It boasts things like internet, music, pictures, camera, games, gps… and even a phone! What really kills me when people go on about these aforementioned features is that I’ve had all of these on even the shittiest camera phone. In 2000 I was messaging people through AIM on my phone. But MPDs proudly flaunt their common technology, walking around with their iPhone out to command status, buying designer skins as a stamp of idiocy, and offering to Google every subject that enters the conversation.

How do we know that the iPhone is the best phone on the market? Apple tells us it is! They brainwash yuppies into thinking that without the iPhone you can’t possibly hold clout in the yuppie community. God forbid you’re not invited to the next black-tie luncheon. Thankfully we can use the rating system on apple.com to really understand what we’re buying…

Think twice before you sell out.

- Maria

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