Posts Tagged 'movies'

Harry Potter and the Full-Blooded Suck

Published August 6, 2009 movies 5 Comments
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Know what was a crappy movie? Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Now, don’t get me wrong, it was hilarious in the extreme, so I don’t feel like my $10 plus $40 for popcorn was wasted. Still, it was bad enough that I still remember it a week later, and thus it deserves a post.

So first off – let’s just say that the casting on this movie was GENIUS. Every single teenaged actor is more wooden than lumber. Ginny and Harry were the crowning moment: Harry cannot act and Ginny cannot emote. A match made in heaven. You could cut the lack of sexual tension with a knife. I will say, though, Harry had his glory day at the pincers scene (when he was high on potion. The only time Harry is halfway amusing in this movie is when he is high).

Then, of course, we had dear old Professor Slughorn. The new Potions teacher has a fantastic way of looking at people by closing one eye and opening the other as wide as he can. Creepy and hilarious.

AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!

AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!

The plot doesn’t really bear telling because if you read the book you’ll know it, and if you didn’t then let’s face it: you had no idea what was going on in the other five movies either and only went because everyone else did. Sheep.

NV/R,

Margo

Star Trek Begins (To Suck More)

Published May 7, 2009 movies 12 Comments
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Are you looking forward to the Star Trek prequel?!

If you’re

A.Really into shows that go on forever with no sign of stopping

B. Have/are getting a BS in anything other than the liberal arts

C. William Shatner

then you’re probably really into the idea of the new Star Trek prequel. In spite of being the spine-tingling fantasy of every nerd who has yet to discover anime, this movie isn’t just advertised on the SciFi channel. No, it’s being promoted everywhere from MTV in between segments of College Life to Vh1 between segments of New York  Goes to Work. Granted, this is because the people in the new Star Trek movie are actually attractive, but that’s probably still not enough to get anyone into the theater who had a girlfriend even before he went to college and learned the magic of low standards + alcohol that so many sorority girls happily pair together.

In any case, whether you’re a proud Trekkie wearing your Worf forehead (whoops, was I supposed to make an obvious joke about Spock ears?) or part of the MTV demographic, I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re going to be disappointed by this movie.

bwharf

Why?

Because prequels suck, duh.

Think about it. When was the last time you saw a good prequel? In the last five years, we’ve had:

1. Hannibal Rising – Turned a mass murderer gayer than the Queer Eye guys. Where did they disappear to, anyway?

2. Star Wars: The Saga of Suck – All three of the new ones were vehicles to showcase George Lucas’s unfortunately nonexistent writing skills. Your love  is like sand; this movie is like a waterfall of suck pouring down on my head without any sign of stopping.

3. Underworld: Rise of the Lycans – It wasn’t enough to show us two godawful movies about vampires v. werewolves, they also released a prequel to show us where it all began! Presumably in some guys pants, since the only interesting scenes in the movie are about blood-sucking that’s not all about the blood, if you catch my drift.

4. X-Men Origins: Wolverine – Pros: Hugh Jackman. Cons: Everything else.

5. Exorcist: The Beginning – Apparently what happened with this movie was that the producers realized they could never top the original, so they completely gave up and showed us a boring version of Indiana Jones instead.

6. Meerkat Manor: The Story Begins – Much like the show, this is just not necessary.

I’d keep going, but since I’m so obviously right, it could get pointless. To wrap up the smoking gun I left on the counter up there, the only reason Shatner is interested in this movie is because it will probably be the only version of Star Trek that sucks less than his.

NV/R,

Margo

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If Only Seth Rogen Could Star in All Comedies

Published April 25, 2009 celebrities , movies 7 Comments
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Seth Rogen is one of those celebrities who isn’t attractive or talented in any way, but he was fat and wore glasses so people decided he was funny. The unshaven curly hair that reaches from the top of his head all the way around to his chin doesn’t hurt. He’s starred in such winners as Knocked Up, Step Brothers, and Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Seth Rogen’s also “in” Donnie Darko, starring as such a big part that they don’t even mention him as a throwaway in the plot summary.

Slapstick stopped being funny when movies got sound AND pictures at the same time. Unfortunately, 90% of Seth’s “funniness” comes from slapstick, while the other 10% comes from him being fat. However, Seth’s recently decided to become 10% less funny (subtracting 10%  of his funny from zero is still zero, though) by going on a diet. Apparently he has a hard time with the diet because he gets the munchies when he smokes weed. So glad he’s contributing to society and feels free to brag about it.

Now he's skinny! But still not funny.

Now he's skinny! But still not funny.

He also writes (although it’s always co-writing, aka someone else writes it and he takes credit for it) screenplays just as unfunny as the ones he acts in. Seth’s helped write such masterpieces as Drillbit Taylor. If Owen Wilson is starring in your movie, you’re scraping bottom.

In addition – this pretty much goes without saying – Seth Rogen is Canadian.

When Seth Rogen is in a movie, you’re pretty much guaranteed that, like the incredibly overrated Superbad, the movie is going to rely on jokes about the fat kid getting laid. I paid $9.00 to see Zack and Miri Make a Porno, and have never regretted anything more in my life. I thought, sure, Superbad was awful, but a comedy about porn has so many funny possibilities that surely at least some of it will be worth watching. False. This movie’s star jokes were about the popular kid in school being gay (oh so funny! HAHAHAHAHAHA HE’S GAY HAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and someone pooping on the cameraman (I rarely enjoy hearing poop jokes. Seeing them takes it to a whole new level of not funny).

After being unfortunate enough to watch a couple of his movies, I almost wish Seth Rogen would just star in all comedies. That way I would be forced to make the prudent decision and never watch movies that are supposed to be “funny” (other bright lights of our time include Role Models, Meet the Spartans, I Love You Man, and Epic Movie XXIVXL).

NV/R,

Margo

Happy Earth Day!

Published April 22, 2009 movies 4 Comments
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Is nobody else going to comment on this? I am amazed that more people aren’t as astounded as I am. I’ll give you an example: If somebody took the 10 hours of Lord of the Rings, chopped it up into an hour and a half and called it “Ring”, I somehow doubt anyone would waste the $9.50 for a ticket and $40 for soda/drinks at the movies.

So why the hell is Earth passing unnoticed?

Earth is the “new” Disney documentary focusing on three animals, all of which are of course endangered. This provides better footing for the documentary to preach environmental warnings at us while the producers chuckle in their 2009 Lotuses over the fact that the movie-watching public is too stupid to realize that they’re watching Planet Earth (new tagline: the documentary so groundbreaking it deserves movies made out of its footage to swindle the public!) all over again, except cut down so it’s rushed.

Buy tickets so Disney can afford more cars to choke the atmosphere I need!

Buy tickets so Disney and BBC can afford more cars to choke the atmosphere I need!

It gets even better when you realize that Earth was made in 2007 and released everywhere but America back then. BBC made it; Disney’s just distributing it in a non-UK format. And even more incredibly, even though BBC (EUROPEAN) made the movie, it sold WELL in Europe. Extremely well. It was one of the three highest-grossing movies of the year in France, and beat out I Am Legend in Japan.

This is the best idea for a movie I’ve ever seen in terms of work/cost for Disney/BBC. And apparently people are cool with it. Personally, if I want to see baby animals killed in hi-def, I’ll watch it for free on TV.

- Margo

TILF: DragonBall Z v. Forrest Gump

Published April 10, 2009 movies 7 Comments
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In honor of the movie DragonBall: Evolution coming out today, I’ve decided to do a post on one of my favorite TV shows of all time (or my childhood) – DragonBall Z. I’ve heard lots of lame arguments against DragonBall Z like, “That show’s all about fighting!” Yeah, so?

Today I will prove once and for all the lasting greatness of DragonBall Z by comparing it to another supposed classic – Forrest Gump.

bchart1

As you can see, DragonBall Z clearly is the winner. How could it not be? There’s aliens, non-stop action, and hair changes colors. Plus, “KAMEHAMEHA!” will always be > “Run, Forrest, run!”

bdrag

- Margo

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