¿Why Is This Popular?

See, this is what happens when you let comic book nerds out on their own.

The Real Life Super Heroes, or RLSH, have banded together to form a bond so strong that only someone actually intent on doing crime could break it. This movement, while heroically named, is actually more donate-to-charity than vigilante. The Myspace blogs of the superheroes detail unshockingly mundane “patrols” that tend to consist of wandering around in dumb outfits and shooing homeless people off the streets. And much like the blogs of wannabe musicians everywhere, their myspaces are universally impossible to read because of overdone backgrounds. Mostly these do little to impress me with their seriousness and do more to make me ask myself if they have superpowers after all to be able to read their own page.

They all have the superhero names, of course, like Saint Shade, which makes me think that he hangs around on asphalt in case some kid wants to stand under him. There’s also Deaths Head Moth, which tries to make moths sound vaguely threatening and fails.

The costumes the heroes wear (because god knows you can’t donate cans of soup without wearing full-body spandex) are things of beauty. They’re kind of like the outfit Peter Parker wears when he does a cage match in the first Spiderman movie: shoddy work that shows more than we wish it did. Occasionally you’ll see a blog post by some guy about how his boas/19.99 Wolverine claws from Target/tiara make him stand out too much so he’s thinking of changing his outfit, which is a level of hilarious only matched by the outrage of MPDs (Mac Product Douchebags) when you insult Apple.

As incredible as it seems though, there is actually someone more useless than the RLSH. It’s the self-proclaimed RLSV – so far I have only found one, whose claim to villainhood is the 500+ pictures of the animated Joker he has on his profile. There’s also a video on “who he is” made out of screens of the animated Joker where you can see the edges of his TV. Why he wants to be a villain? “I’m an asshole. I laughed when little kids get hurt (get hurt not killed, ok so maybe not THAT much of an asshole).”

So bad!!!! Kids, don’t bother running if you see him coming (the worst you’ll get is hurt not killed). Unfortunately for Joker’s plan to wreak villainhood on the world, he only has 55 friends, the majority of whom appear to be superheroes.

I’m sure there are some people reading this and saying, “Aww, don’t be too hard on them, that’s cute!” Sure, except for the fact that any vigilante justice they actually manage to enact while tripping on their capes incurs a buttload of paperwork for the police, thus preventing them from doing the job they were actually trained for. And while we’re on the topic of paperwork, it’ll also be a lot of extra paperwork for the officer explaining how the guy with the Indiana Jones whip ended up dead when he brought a novelty toy to a gun fight.

NV/R,

Margo

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