Posts Tagged 'news'

Whale Trainer Dies; Outpouring of Support for the Whale

Published February 24, 2010 news Leave a Comment
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In a tragic incident, whale trainer Dawn Brancheau died from either being nommed or drowned by a killer whale. At only 40 years old, her death is an unfortunate accident that proves that sometimes you earn your money the hard way.

Getting away from the serious stuff, I was slightly horrified/unsurprised to find an outpouring of sympathy all over Facebook and the news. Sympathy for the killer whale, that is.

Forget the fact that captive animals live at least 3x as long as in the wild! Forget the fact that they get regular food and occasionally porn! Ignore the massive amounts of medical care lavished on these creatures! (Homeless people don’t need tax dollars anyway.) By God, it is CRUEL and UNUSUAL and the real tragedy here is that some sickos put a fish in a tank.

It’s funny how being a hipster can overcome even the urge to see your own species succeed.

Great point intewedm. I’d much rather have the human race enslaved than see a killer whale live for 40 years!

On the other hand… Holeeeee crap. Apparently the people who own the whale are just as free with human life as the hipsters.

A man’s body was found DRAPED OVER Tilikum? So you’re telling me this orca killed a man and wore him as a coat and we let him live?

Now that’s more like it.

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NV/R,

Margo

Torturing Young Girls: Apparently Illegal

Published August 12, 2009 news 5 Comments
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I’m not exactly sure how 6 year old children get punished because I was born an angel and never misbehaved once. However, Nanny 911 (and countless other inane child-rearing television shows) indicate that usual punishment includes a slap on the wrist, time out, or loss of TV privileges.

discipline-1

Evidently in Bristol, Virginia (aka Bumfuck, Virginia) these punishments are arcane and uneffective. Their solution: torture (no, really). Aunt Virginia Ramos punished her 6yo niece (for having “taken food from the kitchen into her bedroom”) by tying her up in her bedroom (sometimes for weeks at a time). It gets sicker… with help from Grandma Elsie Reyes (and no intervention from Uncle Roberto Leiva), Auntie placed toy snakes and spiders around the bound child to frighten her.

cat_wtf-12880

I propose reinstituting Hammurabi’s Code (an eye for an eye and all that nonsense). Let’s tie the three up in the middle of a room surrounded by Nagini (the giant snake from Harry Potter) and Aragog (the giant spider from Harry Potter). Then we can all pay $15 to see the movie and another $50 for the book!

NV/R,

Maria

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When You REALLY Don’t Want To Go To Church

Published July 29, 2009 news 3 Comments
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It’s Sunday morning in Salt Lake City and one seven-year-old is determined not to go to church (perhaps he’s turning from the Mormon faith? But let’s not leap to conclusions).

So what does a normal child do? Hide under the socks in the laundry basket. What did this boy do? Grab the keys and lead police officers on a 40 mph car chase before parking in a driveway and running home.

This little snippet of a news report leaves more questions than answers. Why didn’t he want to go to church? Where did he learn to drive like that? And how did he see over the steering wheel? Finally those gold plates from God come in handy stacked on the seat?

Since the boy was too young to prosecute, the police just advised his dad to buy one of those fake lawn rocks and hide his car keys in them (ps for those of you who have seen fit to put those near your house, they are obvious and tacky. Please remove them immediately and just dig a hole under a real rock).

keys

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NV/R,

Margo

It’s a Dog-Flush-Dog World

Published June 15, 2009 news 5 Comments
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Apparently the new craze in the news biz is to report on dogs. Dogs that swallow balls, dogs with long hair, dogs getting high… The latest (and possibly greatest) is a dog that got flushed down a toilet.

This story sounds extremely stupid (not to mention depressing) until you realize that the dog lived. Then you start wondering why it was in the toilet in the first place.

The tale takes a turn for the adorable when you hear that its 4-year-old owner tried to wash the mud off of it in the toilet and flushed it right down the drain. I hope my kid has enough sense not to flush living things down the toilet, but at least the puppy was fished out of a pipe by the drainage firm.

I’m guessing the family in question now has baby-proofed all their toilets… After all, you never know when their new baby/kitty/mom will look dirty.

NV/R,

Margo

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Stripper Kicks Man in Head

Published June 9, 2009 life and death , models 5 Comments
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The economy’s so bad that we’re even suing strippers now.

It's a tough life out there for a stripper.

Michael Ireland is suing a stripper from a nightclub called Cheetah in West Palm Beach, Florida. Apparently when he grabbed her butt, she kicked him in the head. This doesn’t sound particularly impressive at first, but let’s think about it – the guy was sitting at a bar stool, which usually are pretty high up. So she probably kicked higher than her own head to give this guy a smackdown.

She was so successful, in fact, that Ireland claims bones around his nose and eyes were broken, and that he now has permanent double vision. I guess that next time he makes an ass-grab he has a 50/50 percent of getting his skull kicked in, then.

NV/R,

Margo

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High School Yearbook Displays Vagina

Published May 15, 2009 news 19 Comments
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The whole world was in uproar when Britney flashed her you-know-what, and again when little high school girls following suit. The truth is we’re all oddly fascinated by seeing the picture and laughing/cringing together.

@britneyruhroh

The latest Britney moment comes from some baby prostitute 16yo in her high school yearbook. When seniors received their yearbooks, they obviously all flipped to the pottery club picture (I am not making this up) to check out this teenager’s junk. The best part about it? Every single picture is blurred out, indicating that she is mortified and wants to stay out of the public eye.

@yearbookvag1

crossing your legs: priceless

crossing your legs: priceless

So her genius mom keeps her out of school and makes absurd demands from the school and goes on television. The little skank’s face is blurred out and the mom’s is not – anonymity FTW! She admits that she didn’t wear panties that day, to prevent “panty lines” but not as an exhibitionist.

like mother, like daughter

like mother, like daughter

The school maintains that it’s “just a shadow,” nbd. In that case, their sexual education classes must be truly riveting and educational!!

NV/R,

Maria

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Montauk Monster = Montag Monster?

Published May 14, 2009 news , science , television 4 Comments
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If you haven’t heard the latest news, the infamous “Montauk Monster” has returned to us. Last summer a curious photograph of a creature found on the banks of Montauk, New York went viral. People speculated it was everything under the sun: a hoax, a mutant, a monster, and the cause of the recession.

@montaukinvetro

Fast forward to a year later… surprise, surprise. We’re still fascinated by freaks. Blogger Nicky Papers caught a whiff of the latest washed up crap and had the good sense to take enough pictures and videos to turn a profit. Says Papers, “it really smelled horrific. I couldn’t help but take numerous pictures of it and video clips.” Oh I see, Nicky. It smelled bad so you thought you should take a picture of it.

@montaukKFC

Everyone is in suspense over what this creature is. Wait no longer, folks! I’m here to uncover the mystery once and for all!!

Does it seem suspicious that this thing was found in Montauk? Does that sounds a little too much like Montag (as in our favorite bleached out Bible bimbo). Are you picking up what I’m putting down?

The Montauk Monster is none other than the love child of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Can you deny the resemblance?

@montaukuncanny

There ya have it people. No wonder the poor thing was tossed overboard (like Lauren Conrad’s career). They’re rich and they do what they want!

NV/R,

Maria

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World Govs Panic About Flu – But As Long As You Wash Your Hands, You Should Be Fine

Published April 27, 2009 news , science 7 Comments
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Okay, I am well aware that it’s becoming harder and harder to make a buck in this economy, but Nat Geo really has to lay off the panic-mongering. First it was Al Gore causing global warming with his private jet. Then it was the avian flu. Now it’s swine flu!

Let me put it this way. There are 22 confirmed deaths from swine flu, and all  of them are in Mexico. Normal ol’ influenza kills about 36,000 people a year. There are 1,600 suspected cases of the swine flu in Mexico. And this is all over the media.

You see, scientists are pooping in their lab coats over the fact that this – like the avian flu – might be the next big ‘un, so the United States is declaring a medical emergency over 22 deaths. In Mexico. Now let me add that there are also 20 confirmed cases of people recovering with no trouble from this deadly killer (oh hai, phoning the redundant department of redundancy).

To qualify for pandemic scariness, a virus must be a new strain that’s not easily treated. Scientists are squawking because two old vaccines don’t work on this type of flu. Of course, there are two current vaccines (Tamiflu and Relenza) that do, but hey, why quibble about details?

The thing is, it’s not that this shouldn’t be paid attention to and taken somewhat seriously. But declaring an emergency (and freaking out moms worldwide about their precious baby who will probably never leave his coal-mining town in Sweden) and shipping 12 million doses of flu medications around to different states seems a tad overdramatic when the US does not currently recommend against visiting Mexico, only advises that citizens wash their hands while there. Thanks for keeping me safe, Uncle Sam!

bswine

People are wondering why the swine flu that six Canadians (of course they’re involved) caught seems so mild in comparison to the vast number of serious cases (22) they’ve seen in Mexico. Could it possibly be because the other countries, like New Zealand, that have shipped back afflicted people to their homeshores have better medical facilities?! It may be possible, but like all information about this new panmania, reports aren’t in yet.

NV/R,

Margo

Somalia: Where Jail is an Upgrade

Published April 21, 2009 news 6 Comments
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I’m pretty sure we’ve all heard about the pirate attack on the  Maersk Alabama. The crew got attacked by pirates who left the crew pretty much alone and hijacked the captain. Then the Navy SEALS showed up and shot the shit out of everybody.

But they missed a pirate! And although he apparently knows enough English to tell the crew members he wants to go to America, he doesn’t seem to know enough to tell anyone his name. So he will henceforth be known as Starving Hook.

Why starving, you ask? Because he’s a Somalian Pirate. As one of the crew members said, “He’s just a little skinny guy, you know, from Somalia where they’re all starving and stuff.” Ah, profundity.

As for him talking – apparently he told one of the crew members that his country was starving and asked if the crew could help him get to America (good timing, Starving Hook). Crewman Ken Quinn -

I said, ‘Yeah, you’ll probably going to go anyway. I don’t think you’re going to need my help. If he goes to jail here, it will be a whole lot better than living in Somalia.

Truth is though, this crew member wasn’t far off the mark. The guy is smiling so widely that his non-dentally-attended-to teeth might just bust out of his mouth.

bpirat

Guess he doesn’t miss his three compatriots. To all nations of the world, let it be known: you can sit on your hands and dither all you want when starving pirates hijack your ships. When American crews get kidnapped, our military’s gonna kick the crap out of whoever had that bad idea.

And our captives will STILL be happy to get jailed in our country.

bpirate

- Margo

TILT: Things I Like Today – “I Thought He Was a Zombie”

Published April 11, 2009 news 2 Comments
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“Quite understandable.”

Woody Harrelson, whoever the heck that is, attacked  a cameraman and is now claiming that he thought the cameraman was a zombie. His explanation for this O.o inducing claim is that he had just wrapped up work on a zombie movie, so he was still in character. Er, sure. Your previous history of anger management issues makes this even more convincing than it was otherwise.

bvampBravo,  Mr. Harrelson, for stretching the limits of what people can get away with in the name of art. You’re way better than that guy who sells his poop – so artsy!.

- Margo

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