- The sounds people make when they are eating yogurt. What is it about yogurt that makes people eat like rabid hyenas? God forbid you leave a trace of Activia on the walls of the cup and your bowel movements are not regulated to perfection. It is absolutely vital that you scrape those walls for a minimum of five minutes, especially if you are within earshot of anybody else. It’s only fair to give them warning of your imminent trip to the toilet.
- People that act like eating “ethnic” food makes them cultured. Women must be throwing their panties at you with your worldliness! You, like Indiana Jones, must be well-traveled to be such a connoisseur of Indian spices and bubble tea. Like anyone worth living, you pooh-pooh “fake” cuisines like Taco Bell and Chipotle. You make pretentious comments about how the local Chinese takeout place tastes nothing like real Chinese food. You are truly a god among men.
- When someone introduces you to a band, you like the band, and then they act like you should be paying them royalties. Somewhere between doing that pretentious flicking motion on my iPod Touch and singing along to Nirvana , I must have forgotten that you are, in fact, Kurt Cobain. Hipsters practically piss themselves with joy when they get to be this mind-bogglingly pretentious. Let’s face it, they knew Daft Punk and The Postal Service way before the rest of you sheep (i.e. after MTV exhausted them but before they were in cellphone and car commercials).
- When you cannot say that someone looks just like a black celebrity because that would be racist although if you said it about a non-black celebrity everybody would agree. I really can’t stand this one, especially since I have heard people of every race say “every (insert race here) person looks the same” about every other race. It’s not my fault that some people have an uncanny resemblance to Barack Obama and I’m hardly reliving American History X by pointing it out.
- When you use a word with more than one syllable and some asshole sarcastically says “nice SAT word” like you should be ashamed for speaking fluent English. First, it’s ridiculous how stupid peasants assert their jealousy by trying to make people feel bad about being smart or well-off. Fuck off pleb. Second, people always say this to me about the least pretentious words possible like “conundrum” or “vexing” as if I’m speaking a second language. Even if you don’t know the word, you can pretty much always guess with context so you shouldn’t embarrass yourself by admitting that you struggled with it. Nonetheless, I appreciate your safety school vocabulary because, let’s face it, we need waitresses just as much as we need scientists.
NV/R,
Maria
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